Beautiful December

Lacking a brain right now, but possessing a desire to document the month of December, I will now post pictures with brief narratives that correspond to each.

The kids at our ward Christmas party. This is the first picture I've ever had with any of the kids on Santa's lap. I may or may not be a complete humbug about Santa.

Jade and her friend at their school Christmas concert. Do they look cold? They were singing about a snowman.

Gingerbread houses with Aaron and Diana and the Lilly crew. It's a tradition that keeps giving as you eat it slowly throughout the following week. Does anybody else enjoy stale frosting and crunchy graham crackers? 'Cause I do.

Braden started football this month. (No, it's not tackle. And no, he doesn't have pads... he stuffed his shirt with dirty clothes.) He's really enjoying football with PR Youth Sports.

There are very few places that really capture the joy of Chritmas. The Mesa temple with it's nativity displays, beautiful music, and countless dazzling lights is one of those places. I loved walking the grounds with the children. They liked everything about it except that I wanted to stop and take pictures. Next year I'll take my good camera since these pictures were epic fails.

We did stockings and gift giving on Christmas Eve morning. It was the kids idea. They didn't think it would be keeping the Sabbath day Holy if we did it on Sunday. I wasn't going to argue their feelings on that.

I think I like the gift side of Christmas more with children. I mean, look at Jade. The small amount of money it took to get that Littlest Pet Shop house is worth that reaction.

Maelee spent Christmas Eve at Darin and Chelsea's house by mauling everything she could get to. Here she is meeting her cousin, Autumn. The men didn't let her get too close, but she was sure trying!

Mauling Braden's toy.

Mauling her new toy.

Shea got a cute little bookshelf and immediately began to organize it with all her new toys. She is so cute. There is no question that she likes things to be tidy. Poor little thing had pneumonia and had just gotten back from the hospital. 

Grandma and Grandpa Beach made an awesome LEGO table for Braden's room. And Jade got some girlish LEGOs to join in the fun!

It was really cool to have Connie and Bruce Beach from NV to join us during Christmas time.

It's been fun to have the older kids home from school. Unfortunately, we had some sickness during the break, so we didn't go do everything that we were hoping, but we had some good bonding time at home and more movies than normal.

As you can see, it's been a good month. We have been so blessed. These pictures are a start, but this month has also brought cards in the mail, friends at our door, 12 Days of Christmas treats, carolers, an advent of scriptures, gift cards, the sharing of songs, services rendered by many and even bags of gifts on our doorstep late Christmas Eve night. I can't believe the outpouring of blessings that the Lord gives to us through the hands of the kind people in our lives. I keep having the lines of this scripture (Mal. 3:10) run through my head as yet another blessing pops up "open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." 

I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us. And I'm so grateful for a beautiful December.

Something I Love

I really like to write. So... why haven't I been writing lately? I'm not sure. But I might be scared. I want to write for a living now and for some reason that intimidates me. I have a name and a logo, I have a Twitter account, a business email, and a writing blog built. All of them are just there. I don't do anything with them. Is it because if I fail, my other options consist of leaving my children to the care of someone besides me? Perhaps. Is it because I've done it as a hobby for so long that I doubt it's merit as a "real" job? Uh huh. Is it because I'm burned out on being rejected and I know I'll face that before success? Maybe a little. Probably the biggest reason of all is that I haven't had the heart. I've been working on trying to ignite the fire that used to live inside me. It kinda died this summer. I'm resuscitating. I'm getting better. I'm rising from the ashes. But it's slow. The spark is still in there with the potential of creating a fire bigger and warmer than before. And I'm ready to start feeding it. I'm scared of that first step, but I think I just need to do it. Ready or not. I just need to put myself out there. I must get working. I need to write some samples and then ask for every writing job out there. And while I'm not sure anybody will hire me, I'll be working and I know that will somehow be rewarded. If nothing else, I'll be doing something I love.

Too Bad

Spencer and I are now divorced. And while I am still working through anger and sadness, I am glad to move forward. I am grateful that the proceedings were civil. And I hope that the agreements we made will be good for the children now and in the future. Divorce is never good, but I'm glad the legal part wasn't too bad.

This Season

About a week ago, Braden, Jade and I put up our Christmas tree. Maelee just rolled around on the floor and tried desperately to get over to eat the lights.  She loved them! I really enjoy having the tree up and lighting our living room. It feels cozier. Jacob and my Dad helped me put Christmas lights up on the house this year as well. In the entirety of my adult life, this is the first time that I've had exterior Christmas decorations. I'll admit, I like the sparkle (even if the lack of extension cords did create a bit of a ghetto-influenced decorating style... just keepin' it real!). Anyway, I'm very excited for Christmas. I can't wait to take the kids to the temple lights and spend time with family, listen to beautiful and cheesy tunes and just soak in the joy of giving. Most especially I'm happy that the spirit of Christ can be felt in extra abundance during this time of year. I believe that is what really creates the joy we feel during this season.

Good Month Overall

In an effort to not completely stink at keeping this blog-o'-mine, I will now relate what has happened in the last month. I will make it short and sweet and use pictures... kinda like a book written for a high school football player (sorry, I know that was low).  I apologize in advance that many of the pictures were taken with my point-and-shoot which I have a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with. I guess bad quality pictures are better than no pictures, though.

At the beginning of the month, I learned that Maelee was not getting enough calories, so I started supplementing her nutritional needs. One thing I did was to start feeding her rice cereal occasionally. Here are some pictures of her first bites. Photos compliments of Braden:

The middle of the month brought many fun events for me. First, Maelee and I took a last minute trip to UT to be there for Brooke and Ryan's wedding. It was great to be a part of that and also to spend time with Joni and Xelly and Jacob. I am very grateful for the generosity and service that made this trip possible. Here we are on the plane:

The day we got home, the kids and I went to a dinner with my family to celebrate my 29th birthday. I was surprised to see several of my friends there as well! Chels and my mom really made it an evening to remember. We even got to top off dinner with homemade cheesecake.  It was fantastic!

Let's see. After my birthday was over I started working on wooden signs that I sold at a boutique. It was a fun event to be part of with Chelsea and Mom and I made a little bit of money which is a bonus.

  

Next came Brooke and Ryan's AZ reception which was so fun. I loved seeing some of my high school friends that I haven't seen in years. I spent a lot of time with Tammi and we enjoyed watching Brooke's crazy siblings tear up the dance floor. It actually made me miss swing dancing with my little brother.

November also brought some fun times at home just being a family. Maelee is growing so fast and the older two are having fun interacting with her. She likes to say "AHHHHH" really loudly when a lot of people are talking at once. It's like she's putting her two cents into the conversation. She also grabs everything in sight these days... including Jades hair if she gets too close. I've tried to make home life special for us in little ways (like letter pancakes for dinner) even though I sometimes feel so emotionally burdened that I am inadequate for even the most basic of responsibilities. I know it won't always be like this, but it does get me frustrated quite often. I keep reminding myself of the blessings I am receiving and that sometimes helps.

One of those blessings was a scorpion crawling across my room. I caught it in a jar and you know what? Only three days later it had multiplied by a lot. I'm still very grateful that I had seen it and avoided having these little cuties being born in my bedroom.

My favorite part of November is always Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday. I don't really love the food, but I do love taking time out to focus on the gratitude I feel in my life. This Thanksgiving morning I ran a local 5k run with many friends and neighbors. My dad and mom came along and helped with the kids. The older two ran a 1 mile fun run with Grandpa. I did the run in 32:05. Despite my slow time, running that distance was a personal accomplishment for me that I felt really good about.

The kids and I headed to Safford after that to spend Thanksgiving with the extended Lilly family. I hadn't seen those relatives in a long time and they hadn't seen Maelee, so it was nice to get together. The drive home was long, but I was very glad that Kara was with me and able to help with the little rug rats in the back. 

 When we got home, Kara and I decided to be insane and try our hand at "Black Friday" shopping. Grandma Lilly stayed at my home with the sleeping children. We first went to Best Buy and waited in the rain for awhile until we were informed that all the vouchers for the product we were wanting had been exhausted. So we headed to Target where we were both able to get a few things that we were hoping for. One of those things was an inexpensive Christmas tree that the kids and I enjoyed setting up the following day. I feel blessed to be able to provide things that support good family traditions even if it does mean waiting in gigantic lines.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving was spent with the Beach family. Jacob and Joni and Xelly came from UT. It was so nice to see them. We also took that time to snap a few family pictures which I still need to edit. I hope there are some treasures in there.

In all, November was nice. I'm glad I'm writing this to remind myself that I really am doing OK. The day to day is tough, but looking back over a month I can see the many opportunities that I have had and the good things that are being accomplished. Next month is going to start off with a new niece and end with Christmas. Out-of-town visitors and gift-making will fit somewhere in the middle, so I'm anticipating another good month overall.

Good Eating

Here is a picture to illustrate why I'll soon be winning "Mother of the Year." After I had unloaded the cart and I looked at the conveyer belt at the grocery store I had to snap an image with my phone. Yes, that is indeed 4 frozen pizzas and 16 boxes of Annie's macaroni and cheese. Good eating.

Done With Halloween

Well, it's Halloween night. This means two things: that Halloween is now over and that I am now eating Reese's. It was an interesting Halloween. Some parts of it I could have done without and some parts were fun times making memories with my kids (story of my current life, I guess).
To kick off the season, Chels and I made paper chains with our kids. Well, to be honest, our kids ran around screaming while we sat and talked and made paper chains. Maelee fell asleep. Chelsea's chain goes all the way to Christmas and includes Halloween, Thanksgiving, and even birthdays! It is very long and very intense. Our chain goes until Thanksgiving. Braden and Jade had a good time taking the links off although we didn't always remember and had to reconcile our chain to the calendar a couple times.
That same day, my mom gave the older kids some pumpkins from my grandma in UT. They really loved their little pumpkins from Great-Grandma Priest. They got right to work painting them. I really love to watch my children paint. It is such a wonderful form of art expression. The kids paintings are always very exaggerated. Colors, forms, proportions... everything is bigger than life. And I love that.

As far as trick-or-treating and dressing up goes, Braden was Flynn Rider and Jade was Rupunzel (and a dragon on one occasion). I wanted to make a Pascal costume for Maelee but ran out of time. So she alternated between a leopard and a ladybug (thanks, Shea, for handing down your costumes). I was a detective and then a ninja. We went to our ward trunk-or-treat as well as a huge combined ward carnival/trunk-or-treat that the Lilly's invited us to. Then tonight, Spencer came and took the kids trick-or-treating again. We have SOOO much candy this year. I would like to find a way to save it to use for upcoming events and stuff. I knew a lady who bottled her kids Halloween candy (so it wouldn't get stale) and dispersed it on special occasions throughout the year.  I think it's a cool idea. In all, our Halloween festivities were great. I don't know why I'm always excited to be done with Halloween.

Estate Sale

Today I went to an estate sale. I was driving home and the well-made purple sign beckoned me. I was looking for a fur coat. When I arrived it was clear that the man of the house had passed away leaving a surviving widow. The grown children were running the sale and a cute and friendly old woman with white wisps of hair stood by. She had a crumpled up tissue in her hand and a smile on her face. I could only imagine the emotions she was feeling. She looked happy and strong but that little tissue was evidence that she was also struggling with this. She was watching everything that she and her husband had accumulated through their years together being bargained for and sold at the lowest price the buyer could negotiate. And, wisely, she stood by and let her sentimentally-detached children price the items. It wasn't busy when I first arrived so I approached her and asked, "How are YOU doing?" She understood my meaning. She said she was doing alright. She had started living in an apartment at a "home" about a month ago. I asked her, "And how has that been for you?" Her reply was simply, "Well, I really like to garden and be outside." As I continued looking through her home I thought about the simple things that I, in my youth, take for granted. I listened as this sweet woman explained to others who had asked her to price things, "Let me get someone." It was her stuff, but she had eye degeneration and wanted to make sure she was selling things at a fair price. I kept looking around her home... craft items, cute handmade wall hangings, loads of vintage fabrics, a dress form. This woman lived. She had hobbies and skills. Her eyes are slowly failing her. How will she reinvent herself? In a new stifled environment what will keep her going? What will keep that smile alive? I ended up leaving the sale with 5 old keys, about a yard of fabric, two records, and thoughts about this woman and the new life she is starting. I hope she will find new ways to see the joys of life even without her sight. I wonder what people will see when I've lived my life and it's my turn for an "estate sale"?

Humorous Perspectives

Today was a good kid day. Maelee has discovered her feet which has provided entertainment for her and me throughout the day. They're like built-in toys attached conveniently to her legs! What a lucky baby! I spent much of the day talking and playing with her.

When the older two got home from school we did homework quickly and then went to the 99 cent store to get some special things for Braden's sack lunch tomorrow. Usually the kids eat school lunch, but the lucky boy gets to go to the zoo tomorrow! I wish I could go too, but it would be difficult to care for Maelee as a chaperone. Anyway, while we were at the store, the kids found a new friend and asked me to take a picture. 

It's Mr. Eggplant! Isn't that the weirdest looking vegetable you've ever seen? I once saw an episode of Jane and the Dragon where the castle gardener "Rake" entertains the royalty by presenting "look alike vegetables" that resemble the people in the kingdom.  Does this eggplant look like anyone you know? I love being with my kids. I appreciate their bright eyes and their humorous perspectives. 

My Desired Destination

There is something to be said for knowing what life means to you and what you hope to gain through living. Sometimes it is difficult for me to write about how I feel and what I think and put it out there for everyone to see. But I imagine that I'm probably not the only one who thinks and feels the way I do and maybe my writings can somehow have the power to touch someone else's life. And if not, I will, at least, be able to look back on the person I am today and say, "Wow! look how far I've come" or perhaps, "I want to be like her again."
At the surface, my life seems to be a mess right now. I never expected to be "here". Not ever. When I can still my mind and ponder, however, I am filled with a comforting peace that my life really isn't in shambles. I have an amazing life. Journaling and blogging has helped me to see this.
I should back up. For all of my teenage and adult life I have kept journals. I take the opportunity to read them about once a year. A lot of it is really silly (seriously, during some periods of my life a different boy's name appears on every page). The entries haven't been consistent. There are periods that haven't been recorded. Laced throughout this silly and inconsistent record of my life are little experiences, phrases, happenings that remind me who is directing my life. The journals have numerous entries about my thoughts and desires to know the will of God. And then, there are recorded the joys and successes that I have seen in following  His will. This blog has become an extension of my journals (though less personal usually). I treasure my journals and my blog.
Almost a year ago, my little brother-in-law had returned from his mission and was trying to figure out life back at home. He was a new person trying to fit into a previous life and I'm sure it was a difficult transition. I wish I would have had more conversations with him at that time, but I do remember one conversation that I am very grateful for. During the course of our discussion, he encouraged me to make a "To Be" list, so to speak. I've always been driven and I've often used lists to help me be successful in accomplishing the things I want to do. But "to do" is less important than "to be". So, I took his advice. I went home and thought very hard about who I wanted to be and I wrote a list of attributes I want to develop.
A few months went by and it was time for General Conference, a time when the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints gather together to listen to the words of a living prophet and apostles of Jesus Christ. What an awesome time it was to gather as a family and soak that in! And guess what? During that conference, there was an entire talk dedicated to "being". That day I revisited my list. I printed it out so I could read it often.
An awesome friend of mine started a "Conference Club". Similar to a book club, we would read an article and then meet and discuss our thoughts about it. One time we read a discourse about trials and how they can form us into amazing people! I liked the talk and it was neat to discuss it. During our discussion, I actually had the thought, "My life is really great right now, I haven't had any big trials lately and I feel happier than ever in my family life." Looking back, it was an interesting perspective considering what was about to come forth.
It was late May. My husband approached me and with tears in his eyes told me that he didn't think the church was true anymore. It really pulled the rug out from under my feet. I considered how that would change our family and how that would change our marriage. It made me very sad. One of my greatest sources of happiness was the knowledge that I had been sealed for eternity to my husband and that no matter what trial we faced, we would face it together and that "team" which consisted of him and me and the Lord would be without end. But there I was on the "edge of sorrows blade" as I contemplated how his abandoning the Gospel would erase that goal for us. Without that goal I considered leaving the church too so that we could at least live a "happy" life together while on Earth. I considered this thought. I considered my "to be" list. I considered the talk. I considered my journals which had shown over and over again how loving God and holding true to my promises had always worked out for my good. All of this contemplation happened in a matter of about ten minutes and by the time that short window was over, I knew that I could never be truly happy without the Gospel of Jesus Christ as restored in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. So I started to consider how I could be strong and help my children be strong until the day that my husband would feel those divine tentacles of truth bringing him back. And I considered how I could strengthen our marriage that now had a less-than-stable foundation.
Well, as time would tell, that was not to be. In the words of Jimmy Eat World (I know... not a spiritual source), "you can't keep safe what wants to break," and our marriage was not kept safe. And it was broken. And there I was again... on the edge and feeling like it would have been better if I would have died.  But I wasn't dead. I was alive and could see three good reasons to stay alive. Braden, Jade, and my unborn Maelee!
Since that time, I've discovered many other reasons to not only stay alive, but to thrive. Of course, I'm not there yet. I still feel the agony of betrayal and rejection and loss. But I know where I'm headed. And through all the changes that have happened in the last 5 months, that is something that hasn't changed. I consider it a great gift that I have had the experiences that I've written about in this post as well as countless other experiences. They have strengthened me and prepared me.
Some may read this and think, "What happy coincidences!" I agree that they are certainly happy. But coincidences, no. I testify that God, our Heavenly Father, is alive and available. We are all His children and He loves us dearly. He will never abandon us, no, not even once! His hand guides my life and the lives of all those who love Him and have "eyes to see and ears to hear" even when we are weak.  I promise that the moment you desire this guidance and open your eyes, you will see the evidence that it is true. You will see the marvelous workings of God in this mortal life.  I know that as I do this, I will be led to my desired destination.

Living Life to the Fullest

Life has certainly been good in non marital-related areas. I feel surrounded by good friends and many wonderful family members. Most of all, I love my children so very much! They fill me with joy and I love being a mother to them. In the last few months we have done some fun and special things together.

Shortly after Maelee was born, we took a little vacation to Sedona. We went with my parents and my sister's family. Allen also came up and spent time with everyone as well. It was relaxing to get away for a little while. The kids had fun fishing at a trout pond. We also got to play a lot with cousin Shea and go to church together etc. It was a treat to be able to go and I'm so grateful that my parents thought to include us all in that little trip.

August 10th was the first day of school for the year. Jade started Kindergarten and she has been doing awesomely! Some days she comes home very tired and emotionally done, but she is a smart little cookies and a joy to her teachers. Braden is now in 1st grade and has been doing very well in his work. He's still a little bit of a chatter box, but I think his current teacher is more firm with him in a way that he responds to. So, that has been good for him.

On September 4th, Maelee was blessed. I decided to sew her a blessing dress. It was a learning project for sure. Her Grandpa B. gave a beautiful blessing to her through the power of the priesthood. Included in the blessing circle were Grandpa L., Michael L., Cameron L., Darin O. and Bishop Anthon M.. I am so grateful to these men who honor their priesthood!

Grandpa B. took Braden camping toward the end of September. Braden proudly reported that he used a knife to carve some wood! I love his bright-eyed enthusiasm for simple things like that. I remember enjoying carving wood and I'm glad he got to experience that with the help of his Grandpa.

October has been nice so far. Braden turned 7! I still can't believe it, really. A little girl at school gave him a huge bag of Skittles for his b-day. I went to his classroom that day and read a story to the class during snack time. Braden then passed out erasers to all of his friends ('cause his mom thinks kids get too much sugar). In the evening he had fun with visits from family members who showered him with love (and presents too!). He went with his dad the day after and played some baseball and basketball in the park and ate at Burger King. On Saturday, we had a friend party for him. My parents helped me pull it off. I couldn't have done it without them! It was a LEGO party and it was so fun. I think the best part was the pinata that wouldn't break. Ha ha. I finally told the boys to attack it and they tore it to shreds. It was good fun. As we go forward into a future that is unknown in a lot of ways, it gives me hope knowing that we will continue to make fun and special memories together simply by living life to the fullest.