I've been doing some thinking (as I occasionally do) and want to post on a subject that may or may not set myself up for public criticism. The thought started on Sunday when I listened to the man speaking make the following statement, "It is not the job of a parent to make their children happy." The thought continued to take root as I read a post by my cousin Celestia titled "Good Daddy!"Where to begin on this topic? Well for starters, I will say that the man I was listening to in church on Sunday is absolutely right. Before you all jump down my throat, hear me out. The pursuit of keeping our children happy is exhausting, frustrating, impossible to achieve, and worse, completely damaging to our child. Here is a completely hypothetical example for you: A mother has her toddler in the cart at the store. He reaches for a candy bar at the checkout and demands "I want that!" The mother says, "No", so the child begins to cry as if somebody was making an attempt at his life. The mother hates to see her child like this and wants to make him happy, so she gives him the candy bar at which the child immediately stops crying. The two leave the store with smiles on their faces. A very typical scenario, right? Some would say that this mother is doing her best to make the child happy, and after all, they were both happy when they left the store. So, whats the problem? Lets fast forward 20 years down the road and assume that the mother has continued all these years to do things to constantly keep her child happy... What has all the years of fixing all the problems taught this kid? He is now incapable of the following things on his own: working hard for something he wants, communicating his desires in an effective and mature way, and dealing with disappointment. Lets face it... life is hard and it's not getting any easier. We parents have the responsibility and duty to raise strong children. I'm not saying they need to be hard-nosed and crusty, I'm saying they need to be able to handle the stresses of life. They will not gain this ability if we constantly cater to their immediate happiness.
Sometimes what a child wants isn't the best thing for him/her. This a menial example, but it illustrates the point: Tonight, Braden decided that he wanted to eat only spaghetti and none of his peas. So, upon finishing his first helping of spaghetti, he said, "More noodles please." I looked at his plate and saw the peas. I did a quick nutrition calculation in my head (well, I used the white noodles tonight, and the canned pasta sauce, so really the spaghetti has very little substance nutritionally, I know that Braden would be healthier in the long run if I instill a habit of eating more vegetables and less white flour... etc.) So, I said, "You need to finish your peas before you can have more noodles." Anyone who knows Braden knows that he doesn't give in that easily. He will always bring his case before the jury. So he said, "But I don't like them." (AKA I will not be happy if I have to eat these peas). That is where I had to make a choice. Do I make Braden happy? I replied in a matter-of-fact way, "Thats OK. You can eat them anyway. You don't have to like them". I was just trying to get him to eat his peas, but by responding this way, I think I also taught him a lifelong truth: In life, we must do some things even when we do not want to.
Jade is just turning two and is therefore exploring quite a bit about how the world works and her power to change how the world works. If I tell her no, she can't have that toy because somebody else is using it, she cries. She will even throw herself on the floor if the injustice is big enough. It is hard, but I've determined that when she does this, I will simply let her cry.
If she cries for a very long time, I will remind her that when she talks, people can understand her, but when she cries they cannot, but that is about the only action I will take (unless she is being destructive, then she gets a short time out on her bed). This is working very well. In fact, there have been numerous times that she has cried for about 2 minutes or less and then when she sees that nothing is changing, she will almost immediately stop crying and start playing again. She has even told me a couple times, "My OK, now, Mom." (This means I'm OK, now) and she'll usually give me a hug. She is learning to deal with disappointment correctly.I am sharing these examples not to make myself a model of the perfect mother (I shudder at the thought). I simply share them to make a point for real love. I think that when we focus on instilling good principals, behaviors, and habits in our kids instead of constantly trying to make them happy, in the end, they become very very happy people. And when we as parents don't have to spend all our time trying to run around making our children's lives cushy, we can spend more time showering our children with love and building meaningful relationships with them. So, to conclude, I will expand on Bro Peterson's comment from church: It is not the job of a parent to make their children happy, but to teach their children how to make themselves happy not only now, but for the rest of their future. I urge those of you who are parents of the rising generation to stand strong and help your children do the same.
(Please click on this link to access a well written parenting guide with wonderful insights on how to raise emotionally happy, healthy and strong children: Parenting Principals and Practices.)
