It Is Very Hard

My goal in life right now is to become better. Due to a busy and stressful life and some rays of sunshine finally pouring through, I became lax at doing some of the little things that bring true and lasting happiness. The result has been disappointment in myself, less guidance by the Spirit, and a weakening of my inner strength. It's frustrating to be here and I can blame only myself.
Nathan and I recently decided to take a break due to some pieces of the puzzle just not fitting together. And, honestly, I've been miserable. I still hold on to the hope that we will figure out a way to make it back around. Perhaps we will and if we do I think we will appreciate it even more. Our love and concern for one another is still very strong.
One good thing about it is that I've had time to ponder and I've realized some things. Nathan pulled me out of a pretty bad depression back in January and I can never express enough gratitude for that. Throughout the time we dated he continued to pull me up over and over again. He is still a support to me, but it is not the same. And since we've been apart I feel myself slipping back into that depression mode. It's a sickening and debilitating feeling. But it has made me realize something important. As much as I hate to admit it, I never really completely took care of the depression I felt before. I just allowed my happiness to hide it for awhile. I also never fully overcame the immense fear I had of facing life "on my own". So right now I am taking time to try to nurture myself with the help of the Gospel and the mercy of Christ. I feel like I have a long way to go, but it will be worth it. I can never have a completely healthy relationship with a man when I am emotionally incapable of living without him. I guess what I mean is, my strength and happiness should come from within and not be based on someone else presence. I need to love myself but more importantly I need to love God and know that He loves me too. I can't choose to start a family with someone if I'm afraid to be alone. One or both of us will eventually question if the choice was made out of desperation. I don't know the answers to the many concerns and questions I have about my and my family's future. I continue to try to put my faith in God and my belief that He will lead me to the things that would be best. But it is very hard.