On My Mind

I have no idea what I'm going to blog about. It seems the less I blog the worse I become at it. Things used to jump out to me and I'd just have to blog about them that very day. Now it's a struggle to come up with things. I think I need to start blogging again, because it actually helps me to see the variety in my days and evaluate what I am learning from life. I spent some time last night reading some entries from a long time ago and I remembered some of the feelings I had been feeling at that time and it made me so grateful for the experiences that I've gone through. I suppose in that way, this blog has been a good "journal" for me. The difference, of course, being that it's public for everyone to read and analyze. I don't usually write about my deepest feelings, concerns, pondering and decision processes, which are really what make me who I am. That being said, it does do the job of telling my story.
This has been a long month for me. Even though I haven't had a gigantic amount of responsibility placed on me, I have had the weight of girls camp resting on my shoulders. Everything is prepared at this point and just needs to be executed. I look forward to see all the planning and preparation come together during those 4 days. I look forward to it and also feel like it will be hard. We have been asked, as leaders, to leave our cell phones home to be good examples to the girls. I don't know how I will manage without the comforting and calming influence of my good husband. Not being able to see him or talk to him for 4 days will be difficult. And not hearing my children tell me about their day will feel so strange. Aside from that, I know that camp will be a good experience and hopefully it will help me prepare for the challenges I will face as my children mature.
Speaking of maturing children, my "baby" celebrated her 4th birthday this month.

When I stop and think about how big they both are getting it really feels like it's gone by fast. On the other hand, there are times when the day-to-day feels like eternity to me. Some things I've been waiting for forever... such as sending my oldest to school. It's funny because I know he will really thrive being out there "on his own", but it also makes me nervous. He still has some obedience problems stemming from curiosity and the desire to do things in his own way. These qualities are not bad at all. However, I know that he needs to come to an acceptance of authority (to an extent) if he's going to succeed in school and in our society. I have tried to teach him and prepare him for that. Time will tell if I've done it right.
The other thing that I've been anticipating for most of this month has been the birth of my second niece Xelly Beach. She was born three days ago and is very beautiful. This isn't a surprise considering her parents. I can't wait to see how she grows.

Seeing her makes me wonder if a new baby would be good for our family?  It's a decision that I have pondered for at least 6 months now and I have struggled greatly to come to a conclusion on.  I have prayed and thought and attended the temple and talked to everyone who will put up with me. I still feel like there is no conclusion. I mostly feel like I should have another baby, but even when I "decide" that I will have another one, I experience a lot of doubt and confusion. I mostly struggle with the idea of "starting over" with the baby phase. I also struggle because I'm selfish and want to do some growing outside of my home and have the freedom and flexibility to do that. Then I start to feel like our family is great the way it is and we shouldn't mess with it. But when I try to project into the future when our children are adults, I start wondering if I will be lonely and wish we had more children? So I start feeling doubt and confusion on that too. It makes me wonder if perhaps neither of these answers are correct. Maybe the Lord is just telling me to wait and be patient. Perhaps he wants me to be sure before he gives that comforting assurance that I've made the right decision. Or maybe, He's telling me that he would approve of either decision and that it's entirely up to me. Spencer has always left this decision to me, but this time I really need to have his input. At this time, I know he doesn't want to. He's still working an "entry-level" job so that he can progress in school. Full-time work and more-than-full-time school takes it's toll. I sometimes wonder how life would be if the helicopter job had worked out and if Spencer didn't have diabetes.  It affects us as a family every single day.
This blog entry is very different than many of my previous posts. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea to be so transparent on a blog, but then I remember that we're all on this Earth together. We all have our struggles and we all help each other. It isn't necessary for me to disguise the bumps of life. I know that the Lord is with me and my family. I know that we will be able to (with His help) come to a conclusion of what will be right for us. It really is a good life! If you've made it this far in this novel, thanks for being someone who cares about what's been on my mind.