Look at Her

Uh oh. She is growing up. I'm not sure what tipped me off first. Maybe it was the fact that she is finally changing shoe size and wearing 2T clothes or that she is starting to have very defined opinions about EVERYTHING or perhaps it's because she keeps telling me, "I'm big enough." With my other kids I was in a great hurry for them to grow up. And in some ways I am with little Maelee too, but she'll always be my little one and it catches me off guard when she doesn't agree to that title.
Lately I have felt like I should be better for her. She has a quick and social mind and learns all the time. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Most of it is work for writing or for my primary calling, but I also waste some time too. I also spend a lot of time on the phone. Lately I've noticed that she has been mirroring me a lot more. She wants to be everywhere I am and doing everything I do. I feel like I should be more careful about who I am since she wants to be just like me right now.
I'd also like to be more available for her. I can tell that her days are very boring until the other kids get home from school. More and more often as I've gotten busy, I tell her that she needs to go play "over there" so I can get things done. I worry that I'm giving her the wrong impression of herself…that she is just in the way. I knew parenting a child that is so much younger than the others would be a challenge and now that she is growing up I see that it is more challenging than I planned. But I wouldn't give this challenge up for anything. That little girl is a ray of sunshine every time I look at her.

Frustrations

WARNING: Debbie Downer Post. You've been warned.

Some parts of my life have been rather frustrating lately. And because I have a terrible weakness of focussing on the bad, I have been pretty down because of it. I hate the feeling I get when I have a list of things to do but absolutely no motivation to do it because I'm dealing with negative feelings. It has been happening a lot lately. I'm very burdened and feel small and inadequate to face the world more often than not. 

I especially feel discouraged by the less-than-honest, selfish acts of others all around me. I guess what frustrates me the most is that people who are dishonest and choose to bend rules and expectations to accommodate their desires seem to get ahead in life. I've seen it at work, I've seen it within my children and their school associates, I've seen it on Facebook, I've seen it in the live's of ex-spouses (I know…I'm not allowed to mention that…it's "mean"), I've seen it in my church calling, I've seen it in my extended family and I've even seen it at Cub Scout Day Camp. These people, whether they be kids or adults, get what they want at very little expense to themselves and a great deal of inconvenience to others. So how can I compete? The answer is I can't and I don't really want to. I try really hard to be honest and accurate. I'm not perfect at it, but I try really hard and it's not always comfortable to speak the truth (especially when it causes confrontation). This has occasionally shoved me out of the good graces of those who used to care about me because they don't want to hear a uncomfortable truth. It is incredibly painful. 

In addition, I cannot be consciously disobedient without feeling a great deal of discord within my soul. So I do what I'm told. I follow the system and I work with what I'm given. My sense of duty to responsibilities binds me to continue trying to work harder and harder even when I've exhausted my mental capacity to continue…but I have to because it's what I do and who I am. Many times my best efforts are not enough. 

I'm realizing that as I write this it is probably not making much sense. Be assured that I am not referring to one situation in particular, but an accumulation of discouraging observations about this world we live in. I am grateful that I do not deal with these things everywhere. There are some people who are firm "rocks" in my life. I'm glad that my husband is honest and obedient and that we can struggle together to "play by the rules" and succeed in a very unjust world. And while I don't deal with dishonesty and selfishness from him, it something that is still consistently displayed by one or more of our children. They have not learned the importance of doing things based on principles of honesty and duty. And in my weakest moments I feel that no matter how many times we teach and guide them they may never see this…because the people that live based on dishonesty fueled by selfishness seem to get ahead in life. Unfortunately there are many examples of this all around.

I know the answer to combat my negative feelings is to have more faith. I need to believe that doing what is right really will lead me to unnumbered blessings. I also need to be more observant of the blessings I have now…there are many. And if being at peace with the choices I make is the only blessing I receive, that will be enough. To be able to live with myself and be happy with who I've become will be a huge blessing if I can cast aside my feelings of discouragement and fear for the future. In the meantime, I'll try to be happier and set aside my frustrations.