Our Little Independence Day Baby

I want to write tonight about the story of Maelee Ranae Lilly and her entrance into the world. Sunday, July 3rd brought low pressure and a famous AZ monsoon storm. The kids and I went to church as always but throughout the meetings, I felt continuous cramping feelings and knew the time was drawing near to have our little girl. I came home and began to prepare a simple dinner and discovered that it was getting increasing uncomfortable to stand and do things. I gave my parents a call and asked them to come over for the night. I warned them that it might be nothing. By 7:00pm I was rushing to get the kids in bed because I knew that labor was coming on, but I wanted to be there for them and tuck them in and reassure them that although I would be going to the hospital, I would be fine and we'd probably be having the baby. My dad took me to the hospital where they monitored me for an hour and determined that I was indeed in labor and that it was progressing. Chelsea met me there to be my labor coach. She came prepared with magazines and distractions, love and comforting things to say.  I was so grateful that she was there. I could not have done it alone. I labored and breathed through my contractions for about 3 hours. At that time the pain and pressure was getting increasingly intense.  The contractions were also closer and I felt myself loosing the calm I had started with. I started getting scared. Not from the pain, but scared that I didn't want to have a baby alone. And although I knew I wasn't really alone, I felt the fear of caring for a baby without my husband by my side. I remember crying out, "I don't want to do it alone!" That fear made the pain worse and I decided I wanted an epidural. They gave me one and after about 4 more contractions, I didn't feel anymore pain... or anything below my hips, actually. I was able to relax and went to sleep. I slept for about 2.5 hours. When I awoke, I felt like Maelee was ready to be born. I felt like I needed a tiny bit more time. Nobody was in the room with me, so I went back to a restful state for another half an hour until a nurse and Chels came back in. The nurse told me we were going to do some "practice pushes". I asked her if she had any suggestions since I couldn't feel anything. She encouraged me to visualize pushing. When a contraction came, I visualized pushing and held my legs as instructed. Maelee came close and then slid back a bit after the contraction was over. I asked the nurse how I could improve. She said to just maintain a firmness even after the push was done. She said we were going to do one more practice, so when the next contraction came I tried again. She was suddenly telling me to stop pushing. The other nurse ran and got my doctor who was resting down the hall. I didn't really stop pushing all together, because I figured the nurse could handle it if necessary. The doctor slid in just in time to be the one that delivered Maelee. It was 2:06am on the 4th of July. When she was born I just wanted to see her so bad. It felt like forever to me while they weighed her and did whatever else they were doing. She was 7lbs and 10oz. If I had had the use of my legs I might have jumped off that bed to go look at her. Chelsea kept telling me she was beautiful. And when I finally saw her, I agreed. She had a perfect little round head with no bruising or anything to her face. She was perfect in every sense of the word and I loved her immediately. I also wasn't as scared anymore. The labor was easy on my body and with no stitches to worry about I recovered quickly. Since then, Maelee has been a blessing to our family. She is another beautiful reason that I have to wake up and take care of myself so I can take care of her. She has blessed the kids as they help with her and dote on her adorableness. I love her so much. Our little Independence Day baby.

OK No Matter What Happens

It's been a long time and a lot has happened that hasn't been written about on here. Some is bad and some is so good. I realized that it is much easier for me to write about the good things and the fun things that happen in my life. Perhaps this is why this blog is simply "impressions" of my life and not "my life". However, some things are so life changing that they really need to be included whether they are pleasant or not (if I want any sort of honest documentation, which I do). And I feel like before I can move on and start writing about my life in the here and now, I've got to document the change we are now dealing with. I'll get this very sad post out of the way and then I can begin posting the happy again.
The evening of the day that we went to Montezuma's Castle was a horrible evening. It had the potential to be great... kids went to Grandma and Grandpas, dinner with an uncle (with no kids), opportunity to watch Spencer play basketball, then I imagined maybe a movie and a good snuggle on the couch. But at the basketball game while playing with Spencer's phone, I discovered the clues that led me to confront him. This confrontation revealed a secret life that he had been living. A life that abolished the trust, confidence, and love I had always felt from him. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't sleep... I couldn't. I sobbed and sobbed. I reached out to two trusted people by phone and then I went into a numb shock. I cleared my mind and wrote a paper for Spencer. I told him he had to move out and be gone before the kids returned. I also gave him some other boundaries to be able to deal with life being married to a familiar stranger. A person who is the same in all ways except the ways that are most important to me. A person I could no longer trust. A person I am still bound to. I pleaded with him to make the change necessary and return to us.
The weeks since then have been a roller coaster. I've had worries I had never dreamed of needing to worry about. I have felt the most excruciating pain that comes with betrayal, abandonment, and rejection from the one person whose opinion matters most. I have experienced the fear of bringing a child into the world without the loving support and help of my husband. I have felt disgust and even occasional anger for a situation that is so unjust. I have felt foolish in the love I gave to my husband now knowing it had little value to him. I have had to face intense loneliness and feeling ridiculous for missing him so much.
On the other hand, I have questioned my testimony and felt a reassurance that I know it's true and cannot deny it's place in my life. I have felt strength from unseen sources and support from everyone around me. I have felt the embrace of the Lord slowly taking the place of Spencer's embrace. I have felt physical strength being granted to me. I have felt a blessing of a forgiving heart that I cannot attribute to myself. It has allowed me to think clearly without the cloud of anger and hate. I have felt the desire to do my best to love and care for my kids regardless of our situation. For the most part I have felt a happiness that I can't explain. And as much as I wish I could rewind and fix the situation, I know that I cannot control another persons choices. And I also know that I and the kids will be OK no matter what happens.

Crazy Day

What a fun and crazy day yesterday! I took the kids to kids club at the mall in the morning. I really like kids club because it's fun for the kids and being a member allows a free ride on the carousel and a free movie at the dollar theatre too. We made it a little late because Braden's membership badge was misplaced and we had to sign him up again. Braden suggested it would be fun to watch all the silly songs from the 2nd level. I was happy for the suggestion since I had been debating on how I would manage sitting on the floor for an hour in my current state... I could do it, but it may not be so comfortable. When the singing was about done, we headed to the carousel.  Jade got to ride on a white tiger and Braden got to ride on a brown horse since the ostrich was already taken. I get pretty dizzy so I stood by and watched. It was fun to see them enjoying themselves.  Once the ride was over we headed to the theatre.  We decided to watch Rio. It was entertaining, but to be honest I was a bit disappointed by the amount of sexual innuendo and worldliness displayed. I had even checked on the Kids in Mind rating website beforehand and it seemed like it would be OK. Perhaps I am just extra sensitive to things like that right now.

When we got home and had lunch something strange started happening. Our power started failing. It would shut off slowly like a melting popsicle and then come back on after several seconds. It did that a number of times and then finally died completely. We weren't alone in this... a transformer had exploded in the heat and power was down all around Mesa and some parts of Gilbert. Well, we were supposed to have people over to say goodbye to Allen since he is heading to Central America soon with Books for a Better World, but without power our house began to get hotter and hotter. After about 3 hours, the temperature inside was 90* and rising. We decided to go to my parents for the celebration. Allen came by and helped me get the car out of the garage and pack up a lot of our perishable foods and he also brought ice to put on the other food that we had to leave. He seriously saved our food. I couldn't have done that alone. We grabbed some PJ's, pillows and toothbrushes in case we had to make it a sleep over. We had dinner at my parents and I enjoyed the company of Allen and my Mom after putting the kids to bed on makeshift beds. Allen kept checking the power status on his phone. After he went home, the power was still not restored for our area. I was pretty tired so I went to sleep on the couch. This morning after my dad was available to help, we came back home and things are fine. I learned that the power came back on at 11:30pm. I'm so grateful that we had an alternative place to be and that my family put forth so much effort to help us. It was seriously a crazy day.