Look at Her

Uh oh. She is growing up. I'm not sure what tipped me off first. Maybe it was the fact that she is finally changing shoe size and wearing 2T clothes or that she is starting to have very defined opinions about EVERYTHING or perhaps it's because she keeps telling me, "I'm big enough." With my other kids I was in a great hurry for them to grow up. And in some ways I am with little Maelee too, but she'll always be my little one and it catches me off guard when she doesn't agree to that title.
Lately I have felt like I should be better for her. She has a quick and social mind and learns all the time. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Most of it is work for writing or for my primary calling, but I also waste some time too. I also spend a lot of time on the phone. Lately I've noticed that she has been mirroring me a lot more. She wants to be everywhere I am and doing everything I do. I feel like I should be more careful about who I am since she wants to be just like me right now.
I'd also like to be more available for her. I can tell that her days are very boring until the other kids get home from school. More and more often as I've gotten busy, I tell her that she needs to go play "over there" so I can get things done. I worry that I'm giving her the wrong impression of herself…that she is just in the way. I knew parenting a child that is so much younger than the others would be a challenge and now that she is growing up I see that it is more challenging than I planned. But I wouldn't give this challenge up for anything. That little girl is a ray of sunshine every time I look at her.

Frustrations

WARNING: Debbie Downer Post. You've been warned.

Some parts of my life have been rather frustrating lately. And because I have a terrible weakness of focussing on the bad, I have been pretty down because of it. I hate the feeling I get when I have a list of things to do but absolutely no motivation to do it because I'm dealing with negative feelings. It has been happening a lot lately. I'm very burdened and feel small and inadequate to face the world more often than not. 

I especially feel discouraged by the less-than-honest, selfish acts of others all around me. I guess what frustrates me the most is that people who are dishonest and choose to bend rules and expectations to accommodate their desires seem to get ahead in life. I've seen it at work, I've seen it within my children and their school associates, I've seen it on Facebook, I've seen it in the live's of ex-spouses (I know…I'm not allowed to mention that…it's "mean"), I've seen it in my church calling, I've seen it in my extended family and I've even seen it at Cub Scout Day Camp. These people, whether they be kids or adults, get what they want at very little expense to themselves and a great deal of inconvenience to others. So how can I compete? The answer is I can't and I don't really want to. I try really hard to be honest and accurate. I'm not perfect at it, but I try really hard and it's not always comfortable to speak the truth (especially when it causes confrontation). This has occasionally shoved me out of the good graces of those who used to care about me because they don't want to hear a uncomfortable truth. It is incredibly painful. 

In addition, I cannot be consciously disobedient without feeling a great deal of discord within my soul. So I do what I'm told. I follow the system and I work with what I'm given. My sense of duty to responsibilities binds me to continue trying to work harder and harder even when I've exhausted my mental capacity to continue…but I have to because it's what I do and who I am. Many times my best efforts are not enough. 

I'm realizing that as I write this it is probably not making much sense. Be assured that I am not referring to one situation in particular, but an accumulation of discouraging observations about this world we live in. I am grateful that I do not deal with these things everywhere. There are some people who are firm "rocks" in my life. I'm glad that my husband is honest and obedient and that we can struggle together to "play by the rules" and succeed in a very unjust world. And while I don't deal with dishonesty and selfishness from him, it something that is still consistently displayed by one or more of our children. They have not learned the importance of doing things based on principles of honesty and duty. And in my weakest moments I feel that no matter how many times we teach and guide them they may never see this…because the people that live based on dishonesty fueled by selfishness seem to get ahead in life. Unfortunately there are many examples of this all around.

I know the answer to combat my negative feelings is to have more faith. I need to believe that doing what is right really will lead me to unnumbered blessings. I also need to be more observant of the blessings I have now…there are many. And if being at peace with the choices I make is the only blessing I receive, that will be enough. To be able to live with myself and be happy with who I've become will be a huge blessing if I can cast aside my feelings of discouragement and fear for the future. In the meantime, I'll try to be happier and set aside my frustrations.

Life's a Happy Song

There is so much to write about that I'm not even sure what to write about. It's been far too long since I've written out my thoughts about anything and I miss it. I've been writing for work these days and it is the best job I've ever had. I love it and I love the flexibility of it. But at the end of the day, I'm writing what other people want me to write. I'm not creating anything of my own and I've noticed that writing in general has become a bit stale for me as a result. I miss the magic that the written word once held for me. I miss the challenge to express things in just the right way as to paint a picture, create a feeling or bring a smile. I often dream of writing a book. A fiction novel about life and endurance through difficulties. I imagine my main character and her quirks and beliefs and weaknesses are a lot like my own. But I can never imagine a proper plot. I'm not clever enough to invent something that would be entertaining and keep a reader on their toes, but also boldly declare that the power to choose what is right over what is easy will always lead a person to happiness. I'm often too forthright and lack the clever subtleties that I admire in authors whose works I enjoy. I fear that if I ever did endeavor to write a fiction book that this would destroy the intrigue or suspense and ultimately destroy my plot. At this point, I continuously tell myself that it is not the season of my life to spend time on writing a book of this nature. And I'm right, but when will it be that season? It will probably never be a priority in my life...other things will always be more pressing. I imagine that in time I will decide whether it is truly important to me or not.
As for now, life pretty much revolves around blending a family. Heavens, that sounds like I'm making a smoothie or something. I wish it were that easy (although I've never actually been great at making smoothies). Without being a "Negative Nancy," I have to say that all the ins and outs of split parenting and blended families is quite exhausting. We try really hard to always put our family first and as a couple, many of our conversations center on what we can do to build lasting memories and bonds and how we can properly address the needs of each specific child. It is difficult to know what those needs are. It is especially difficult as parents to try to assess needs in a child that we have had relatively little experience with. Throw in different standards and expectations from their other houses and it's a recipe for some pretty frustrating and stressful situations for both parent and child. In many cases we end up having to be the "mean parent" for our kids. I sometimes fear that our children will not appreciate the correction, council and responsibility that we give to them here and that they will distance themselves. All that being said, I know that it is worth it to give our kids the chance to grow up and be happy, responsible and balanced adults. I know that at some point, each of our kids will choose for themselves who they want to become. I am sure that there will be times of great heartache as their parents as they choose paths that will cause them or others pain. We will always love them enough to be honest with them and to give correction where correction is needed.

Being a big mixed family is not all gloom and doom, however. Far from. Most of the time Nathan and I are on the same parenting page and the kids get along quite well.  We are able to do a lot of enjoyable things together. Family Home Evening has been a favorite and I love seeing how everyone comes together with excitement to spend a couple hours together.  It's so fun to watch all the kids blossom in confidence as they get to contribute in important ways. Another great thing is that when you only have every other weekend as an entire group, time becomes more valuable. Our weekends with kids are very family oriented and we usually have something fun planned...not usually expensive things, just simple things we can all do together.
Last weekend we decided that it was either now or never (this season) to go see some snow. It was pretty patchy when we got up there, but it was awesome. Seeing all our kids with their distinct personalities enjoying a change of scene was great. It just worked. I made sure to get video footage because we really want more records of these fun things we do. I remember watching home movies together while I grew up and I remember it being a binding "glue" for us kids...reminiscing about funny things and making fun of our younger selves. I hope that our kids will eventually build those kinds of bonds.

On weekends that we don't have kids, Nathan and I have made it a goal to have a lot of adventures together. Whether it's spending the day doing service or work together, going to the temple, shopping together, or taking a quick trip to see a bunch of donkeys, we have so much fun together. These times help us reconnect as needed and building enjoyable memories with each other. We probably should be more social and plan things with other people, but I'm also glad that we take the time to just be together and hang out as best friends. In the words of the Muppets, "Life's a happy song..."

No Fairness Guarantee

With the merging of two families that has been slowly coming along, Nathan and I have had a lot of time to think about and talk about parenting philosophies. With summer break in full swing, we've had a lot more time to have the "whole gang" all together. For the most part, all of the kids get along quite well. Occasionally we have some pestering and tattling as they jockey for attention. And on some occasions I hear this phrase, "That's not fair!" (*shudder). Oh man, does that phrase get to me or what?! Why? Because it's such a distorted view of their life! All these kids are blessed beyond measure...surrounded by people who love them, growing up with an understanding of who they are and where they came from, living in nice homes, wearing nice and clean clothes every day, going on outings and doing enriching activities, being taught by parents and others about life and work etc., eating until they are full at least three times a day...and I could go on. So yes, children...it isn't fair. There are millions of people on Earth that would do just about anything to live the life you live.

So lately I've been analyzing my parenting to determine the role I play in teaching the kids about this idea. On the one hand it seems fairly simple. Get over it! Life is not "fair" in the way that they understand it...ever. Different experiences, different choices, different associations and different interests will all work together to produce different results. Get over it. Also, if someone else gets a slightly larger piece of cake than you, get over it. YOU GOT CAKE!!! That isn't something to grump about. It's something to smile about and be glad about. 

On the other hand, it's also important for people to learn about how to advocate for themselves. The younger they learn this, the better as it translates into successful relationships of all types. Sometimes it's very important to stand up for something that you would like that you aren't getting. I mean, people can't read minds and they may not even realize that you desire something if you never mention it. And if something is being done that is seriously unjust, I want kids that will be strong and stand up for what would be right. If they someday have a roommate that keeps skipping out on rent, I want them to know how to stand up for themselves and rectify the situation. So where is the balance, then? 

I think I've settled on striving for relative fairness. If I could graph relative fairness it would look like 5 lines (1 for each child) going along. Each one would be moving slightly up and slightly down as they roll along. Sometimes maybe J's line will be on top and then sometimes E will be the privileged one etc. When you zoom in to the graph and only see one hour it might look incredibly "unfair", but as you zoom out to show a full day or even a full week it becomes apparent that the lines are all about the same. I want to teach my kids to see their many blessings and recognize and be happy for other people's blessings too. And I also want them to be just fine even if they have to deal with small injustices from time to time...because they most certainly will. Relative fairness made sense in my head to achieve that. All I really know is that in my house there really is no fairness guarantee. 

Miracles in My Life

Some people say that miracles don't happen. I'm here to say that I believe they do. There are small and large miracles all around us, happening constantly. But they are unseen unless we open our eyes and look.

I'd like to record some of the miracles that I have experienced in my recent life. I fear I've probably already forgotten most of the small and simple miracles that have lifted me in my times of need and I probably haven't noticed many of the times that my wants have been provided for without sufficient (or any) effort on my part. But I can say that I am very aware that my position in life now is a direct result of tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

I'll start about a year and a half ago at the beginning of January. There I was, recently divorced. Feeling unsure of my future, skeptical and perhaps you could say a little bitter (I think I trusted about 3 men at that time). I had agreed to go on a family hike and I was glad to be there with people who loved me, but honestly I was a little dead inside. I was grateful my kids were with me so that I would be kept busy. And that is the state I was in when I first met Nathan. So what is the miracle here? There were certainly no heavenly rays descending upon Nathan's cheek or a voice telling me to pay attention because this man was different. In fact, I was too busy wallowing in my grief to notice his presence. The miracle was this...that he saw me in the state I was in and it didn't scare him away. He saw that I needed help that he was qualified to give and he made it his goal to help me...without any thought of himself. He saw the potential in me in spite of the extinguished flame inside me. He saw it flickering under everything and worked tirelessly day after day, week after week and eventually month after month to help me uncover it and let it shine again. I had previously told people that if I was even to consider marrying again that whoever it was would have to be an incredibly patient saint. Because I knew I would put him through every test imaginable and still I would be skeptical. I knew that it would take a very special person to stay by me while I unleashed the effects of my "baggage." And only one month after being divorced, a man like that just walked into my life. Nathan has been my greatest miracle.

The second huge miracle has been the gift of being able to provide for my family. I worried so much about providing for my family with a newborn and with two school aged kids that needed a stable and present parent more than ever. Luckily with alimony, I had about 9 months where if I lived very very simply, I could take care of everything monthly without working. I knew I had limited time, but I felt like it was right to hold off on getting a job until the end of summer break. And then it was go time. What did I have by way of qualifications? Ummm...not a lot that translated well on a resume...I sewed my own curtains, did lots of crafts with my kids, bargain shopped like a boss! I knew I had skills but I am HORRIBLE at marketing myself. A terrifically awful interviewee. I applied at several gyms hoping to work in a child care place where I could take my baby with me. I remember on my way to my first (and only) interview of the job hunt saying a silent prayer that went something like this, "Heavenly Father. I don't care if I have to live tight for the rest of my life. I just need enough. Please help me" I really only needed to make $500 a month to get by. At the interview I learned that if I was hired, I would be getting about 20 hours a week at minimum wage. It was bleak, but it was just barely enough. I thanked Heavenly Father and asked him to make it work if that was his plan. Luckily it wasn't.

The moment I had committed myself to doing what it took is the moment that blessings began to rain down. I got a call that very night with an offer for a position at a high school that I had never even applied for. People knew I was looking and became the answers to my prayers. It was just the right amount of hours to be able to juggle work and home and it paid more than minimum wage. And if that wasn't enough of a miracle, I was still able to drive my kids to and from school and my mom and sister agreed to watch my little baby...for free. I will be grateful for that for as long as I live. They lived on the way to the school and the driving time was just right to get to work on time in the morning and back to the kids school on time in the afternoon. If one element had been different, my schedule would not have worked out. It was perfect. But it wasn't totally perfect. I had very little time to take care of household things and we had to run errands after school when the kids were tired. After errands and homework and things like cub scouts, I was often tired and stressed and it began to take a toll on me and on my kids. There began to be some problems for them at school and M was starting to grow up faster than I could keep up and I started feeling a lot of "Mom guilt" because I wasn't there for them like I wanted to be.

And that is when the third big miracle came. In November, an opportunity to write email series for a small business CRM company became available through a friend who I had talked to about freelance writing months before. Oh, you know...just another job offer that I hadn't applied for (because that just happens in today's economy, right?). At first I was nervous to return the sample campaign that he had sent me. But with kind promptings from Nathan and a great desire to better my situation, I went for it. And I was so blessed to be able to be a part of that work. Eventually the writing jobs became consistent enough that I had to quit at the high school to complete my responsibilities. I honestly had never even dreamed that within a year and a half of being divorced (after having been away from the "working world" for 8 years) I'd be able to work from home with my children and earn a very comfortable living with enough to tuck away every single month. It's more than I hoped for and much better than I had asked for in that little prayer I offered last August.

I don't write this very long-winded blog post to brag about where I am in life. I am just very humbled to know that God's hand is in all things. The hard times and the good times. He directs my life and I'm so very grateful for that. And I know that he is with you as well. Even when times are very hard, there are always silver linings if you just look. It would take more hours and more paper than I have to record the many daily miracles in my life.

Lalaloopsy Birthday Party

Wow, it's already been more than a month ago that my sweet sassy girl turned 7. Oh man, this girl loves her birthdays. I guess that is probably true with most little kids, but she simply thrives on all the added attention. And she definitely enjoys gifts...and delicious foods.

This year, she has become just short of obsessed with Lalaloopsy dolls. We'll probably look back on these cute yet quirky little creations later and wonder what had come over us, but for now they are THE toy for her. Needless to say, that is what she wanted the theme of her party to be. I used Pinterest to gather some inspiration for a perfect Lalaloopsy party and realized quickly that I needed to make a much larger yearly income to throw a proper Lalaloopsy party. Well, at this point I'm doing pretty well financially...can't complain, but I certainly wasn't going to spend a small fortune on a birthday party. I made the party very very simple with only a couple friends and used some of the money we saved to give her a bit extra in the form of presents (that doubled as decorations...booyah).

It turned out to be really fun. Her two best friends came and we had a little luncheon. We served peanut "button" and jelly sandwiches as the main course. J thought that up herself and it was adorable. We also had fruit and candy and such. They girls ate until they were full and then we went and made our very own Lalaloopsy doll. I printed a body of the doll for each girl and glued them to heavier paper. Then the girls went to town with buttons and ribbons and fabric and yarn and whatever else they wanted to create their unique doll. They turned out really cute but took MUCH longer than I thought. I didn't rush the girls because they were enjoying the craft. We ended up skipping the BINGO game which was just fine.

After the craft, we had cake. Originally I had collected several very complicated Lalaloopsy cake inspiration photos involving fondant and other scary confectionary inventions. However as the party neared I reminded myself that I was not a professional baker or cake decorator and that a nicely done simple cake would be far better than an embarrassingly disheveled "fancy" cake. In the end, I found some pre-made sugar rounds in various bright colors and some really cute "Happy Birthday" candles. I put them together on the cake and then situated one of J's Lalaloopsy Minis on one of the layers. It was decent and it melted my heart when J told me with bright eyes and a huge smile that it was "Perfect!" That is the great thing about her (and my other kids too)...just so much gratitude for the things that I might consider to be mediocre. J is constantly reminding me that I am amazing...even when I'm not.

After cake it was already time for parents to come back so we quickly opened the presents and handed out the Lalaloopsy puzzles and silly socks J had chosen for guest favors. All in all it was a successful and memorable Lalaloopsy birthday party.

Tuzigoot

So, some of you may know that I am a huge nerd. I get very excited about museums and learning things about people in the past. I enjoy the mystery and speculation about why they built things or why they left etc. It is fascinating to me. I also really like to include my children in these things. I think it helps them to appreciate modern life and get a broader picture of the human family...two things I think kids these days fail to grasp.
So when I see that there are fee-free days at national parks I kind of geek out. It's silly because it really only saves me like $5 or something. But it's incentive enough for me to take a little road trip and experience something cool with my kids. We've tried to do at least one national park visit per year for the last 3 years. We've gone to Montezuma's Castle, Casa Grande Ruins, and yesterday we went to one I'd never heard of, Tizugoot National Monument.
It's a ruin that is in the Verde Valley that sits atop a hill overlooking the cities of Cottonwood, Clarkdale and Jerome. The museum is newly renovated and features a ton of artifacts. And they offer a Junior Ranger Program. We discovered the Junior Ranger Programs when we went to Casa Grande last summer. They provide a booklet to each child and they have age-based requirements to complete in the packet. Once those things are complete, they earn a Junior Ranger badge or patch with that National Monument's name and symbol on it. My kids love doing these programs. Yesterday was especially cool because the ranger on duty really got involved. When the kids presented their completed tasks, he went through each thing and made sure they really understood what they had observed. He taught them about obsidian being used for arrow points and explained that obsidian is a rock formed from volcanos. He discussed the daily tasks we do and how they were different for the ancient inhabitants at Tizugoot.  He was a cool old guy.
We did this road trip on a half-day from school, but if I were to do it over, I'd have taken a full day to make time to visit both Tizugoot and Montezuma's Castle. They are pretty close to each other and it would have been neat to see that one again. I'm glad that there are people out there that care enough about our origins to preserve things that they find. I think of all the effort of the original inhabitants...making cement from mud, cutting stone into bricks...all with their hands and small tools, and it astounds me. And then I really appreciate the modern work that went in to uncovering the ruins so we can see them and wonder about the past people of Tizugoot.

About My Children

I have the most wonderful kids. I am so lucky that even though I'm the "bread winner" I get to stay home with Maelee and be available to Braden and Jade for rides to and from school, care when they are sick, and consistent togetherness before and after school. I love them so very much. Loosing time with my children has been the most long-lasting heartbreak resulting from divorce. I still miss them a great deal when they are not around. So the fact that I don't have to work out of my home has been one of the greatest blessings in my current life.

Right now Maelee is on the floor next to me shouting, "tuhler!" with an excited voice. And she is carefully scribbling over all the animals in her new coloring book. Her vocabulary has been blossoming along with her desire to do things her own way. She is an affectionate and sweet little munchkin, constantly bestowing hugs to my legs and being completely happy to sit in my lap... as long as I'm reading a fun book. I know of so many single moms that would have to miss little moments like these throughout the day. I often wonder why I have been so blessed. God is kind to me.

Jade is growing up so much these days. She still struggles sometimes with perceived fears and low self-confidence, but I see her bloom as she conquers each of her challenges. She is affected greatly by the divorce still but is getting much better about expressing herself and telling me how she is doing and what she is feeling. She and Braden both attended a divorce support group at school where they would meet weekly and talk about some of the issues that they and the other children in the group were experiencing. They would often use games and art to help express their feelings. I think it helped Jade realize that even though the divorce of her parents was a sad element of her life, it wasn't her whole life and there are many good things still happening and a great life to look forward to. It also helped her understand that there are other children coping with loss and that she is not alone.
Jade has become quite attached to Nathan. It took her many months to feel safe opening up to him. In the beginning she saw him as a threat to her routine and her peace. She worried that he would end up leaving me and she didn't want to become attached because she feared that she would never be able to recover if that happened again. I'm really grateful that there has been plenty of time for her to see him react to many different scenarios and learn for herself that the things he does are always with the benefit of our family in mind. I'm so grateful for his reassuring influence in her life. After being a little emotional one evening, she asked me if it is OK for her to love Nathan and Amberly, her two other parent-figures. I told her that it is good to love them. She seemed relieved. I know she is still figuring it all out and I'm glad that I get to be the one that helps her to do that while I figure it out too.

Braden is also growing fast. It's hard for me to keep up. He has had some struggles this year at school, but has started to turn things around. He's learning the importance of choosing good friends and being a good friend...the kind that encourage each other to be better. He is a very thoughtful kid and often expresses things to me that are very deep. Sometimes it catches me off guard. I appreciate Braden's help in our family. He is the oldest and I rely on him a lot for help with Maelee. He often tries to jump in and help even when I'd rather him stand back and allow Maelee to grow. This can be frustrating, but ultimately I'm glad that he wants to serve his little sisters. He has been more pushy about doing what he wants when he wants as he has gotten older. It's gotten worse over the last year or so. I think it has to do with feeling like the "man" in the house and also because for awhile I was very inconsistent with my kids as I adjusted to a new baby and no husband. Braden is a persistent individual and is still learning how to balance expressing his opinion with obedience. It's coming along. He is very excited for me to marry Nathan. Braden has been concerned about me since his father moved out. He sees how Nathan treats me and is very appreciative of it. He knows he is a reliable and good man. And naturally he is very excited to get two new brothers too!

I'm glad that I am blessed with these three amazing kids. I'm excited to add Nathan's boys to my family and bond with them through the years. I feel so much joy when I think about my children.

Engagement Story!

A lot of people have been wanting to hear the story of Nathan and I becoming engaged. I thought I'd share it on the blog since I don't get a chance to talk to everyone one-on-one as much as I'd like.
To start the story, we had been discussing marriage for a lot of months. We both knew from the beginning, actually, that the reason we were dating was to determine if we could possibly be successful together for the long term. We dated for a long time with that in mind and although we didn't know right away that we wanted to be married, we did know very quickly that we were meant to be together at this period in our lives. Nathan supported and strengthened me so fully by helping me see that I could do anything...with or without another person. And I discovered that I also strengthened him in his weaknesses. We also just felt a lot of enjoyment being together which relieved a lot of the stresses of single-parent life. We had concluded that life was better together. Of course, there were some differences between us that took some time to settle into healthy compromises. After struggling for a long time with these differences and with my insecurities of committing and dedicating myself to someone else completely, we both finally felt at peace with the idea of growing old together. And we started making plans. At that point most of our conversations on marriage had to do with parenting and home arrangements. We discussed traditions we wanted to include in our lives, things we wanted to do to help the kids adjust, and how we wanted to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ in our home. We also spent a lot of time discussing our hopes for the distant future...our goals and plans for after our kids were independent adults.
Along with distant plans we had also discussed our more immediate desire to travel together. We had been a couple places throughout the state, but what we were really craving was the beach! Allow my indulgent interjection here...Nathan is such a pleasure to travel with. He and I can talk for hours in the car and it's also very comfortable to just sit quietly with each other. He comes prepared for trips and thinks of important details that help vacations to be more smooth and enjoyable and he doesn't get offended when I start bossing his driving around from the passenger seat (horrible habit...I know). He is very unselfish in his suggestions and finds more enjoyment when everyone is having a good time. I could go on, but this is getting long...and you all just wanted the engagement story :)
We had been wanting to go to California together since we had first became friends. We finally decided that now was the time. So off we went (thanks to kid help from my mom and dad) on a two day trip the day after Valentine's Day. We wanted a relaxing no-obligations trip, so we didn't make very many plans. One thing we were sure of is that we wanted to go to the San Diego temple while we were there. We decided that would be the first thing we did after checking in to our hotel. Afterward, we thought it would be nice to go to the beach at sunset. So we checked in, changed (two different rooms, of course) and headed to the temple. It is so beautiful! I'd never been inside the San Diego temple. It is so grand. When we were done and stepped outside it was already pretty dark. We had missed the sunset at the beach, but oh well. We wanted to get a picture next to the temple, but there weren't very many people around, so I suggested we just take a "self-y". Nathan insisted that someone would come by soon, so we just walked around the grounds. At last we found a couple who were also enjoying the grounds of the temple. We asked if they would take a picture. The man was very willing and took a few different shots for us. He asked if we wanted any more and Nathan said, "Yeah, can we just get one more please?" Then things got weird. He started pushing me away from him a little. I kept scooting to be closer to him. I looked at him funny and asked, "Why are you pushing me away?" He didn't respond and moved away from me more. And then he bent down on one knee.
Imagine my surprise! I had known this was going to happen sometime on the trip, but I was really expecting it to be at the beach. Our "photographer" saw what was happening and started shooting. It is fun to have some pictures of the actual moment of our official engagement. Nathan said, "Will you please be my wife?" And I said, "Yes" through huge, uncontrolled smiles. He put the most beautiful engagement ring on my finger, we thanked the couple that got our pictures, and then we spent the rest of the weekend just feeling love and gratitude for each other. And I spent a good portion of it staring at my hand and my handsome fiancé. And that concludes our engagement story!

Grateful

I haven't posted since November of last year! And there has been so much to post about! So so much! I also haven't written in my journal so a lot of my life is not being documented which is a shame. So, do I play catch up? Just go from here and make my future posterity (and followers of my blog) seriously confused at the missing puzzle pieces? Hmmm. Maybe something in the middle. The following are short little blurbs about really important things that I never wrote about:

August 2012 - I got a job at Westwood High School. A great friend of mine got a teaching position at another school and left an IA position at Westwood wide open at a very busy time of the year. The teacher there (who is another friend's husband) called me and basically said, "If you want this position, we need someone now." I wanted the position and needed the position and so I accepted it gratefully. It was completely handed to me on a silver platter. I had felt over and over again that I needed to stay home with my kiddos over the summer...even though time was ticking and I needed to find employment. I followed that prompting and was given a job right when I needed it. Working at Westwood was so awesome! I aided in elective classes for kids with mild disabilities. I got to see them being creative and help them pass their classes by encouraging them and guiding them in self-advocacy.      Along with that came a whole lot of care and patience for the kids I worked with. They are pretty special people. Here I am on a Spirit Day!  Tear 'em up Westwood!!

October 2012 - Braden was baptized by his grandpa Beach. It was a great moment in our family. It was hard on Braden to pick someone to baptize him. He kept saying that the perfect choice would be his dad. But in the end, Braden knew he wanted to be baptized even if his dad couldn't be the one to do it. He and I are very grateful to a worthy and willing Grandpa to fill that role for that special time. A lot of really great people came and supported Braden and made the day extra special for him. Something that stood out to me as Braden was preparing was that he understood what he was "signing up for" (so-to-speak). He told the bishop that he would promise to "mourn with those that mourn". He explained that it meant he would help people when they are sad or in need. I love Braden's heart and his understanding that serving and loving others is a big part of following Jesus Christ's example.

November 2012 - I turned 30! It was an amazing day. I went to work and toward the afternoon was called to the front office to receive a "package". The package turned out to be a bouquet of flowers from my sweet man, Nathan! The funny thing is, he wasn't technically my man at the time. We had broken up but he still sent me flowers. The note simply said, "Happy Birthday! You're still the most beautiful woman I know, and I do love you. No matter what. -Nathan" The best part was that I knew without a doubt that he was sincere. I was giddy the entire rest of the day and my colleagues teased me about it. That evening we talked and concluded that the break-up had been productive but that ultimately we were ready to start dating again. That is another story for another post, but let me just say that to have my best friend back...and to be able to talk freely again with each other was the best feeling ever. Along with that, my sister gave me some awesome ready-mixed meal items and my parents gave me a treadmill so I could run when my kids were asleep. It was so nice.

November also brought another employment opportunity for me. Once again, I was offered work on a silver platter. A friend of mine emailed me and some others saying that since we had expressed an interest in writing, he was letting us in on a freelance copywriting opportunity through his work. I started writing campaigns in the evenings and early mornings. Pretty soon more campaigns began pouring in and I became more efficient. The job was becoming very profitable and I was happy to be able to breath a bit. I started making more writing than working at the school and began wondering if I might be able to stay home with my little bug after the school year ended. It also relieved my concerns about what I was going to do during the summer.

December 2012 - Christmas time brought such blessings to our family. Mostly I valued being able to spend quality time with the kids without the stress of work. We went to the temple lights with the whole gang. It was beautiful and busy. We also went to the snow with Darin and Chelsea and the girls. That was so much fun. I can't describe how enjoyable outings with the kids are when Nathan is involved. He is always in tune with what needs to happen and how he can lend a hand and he just does it. I am surprised over and over again that as I start to ask him to do something, he's already doing it. He's just amazing. It helps me to enjoy the time we are together even more. I celebrated Christmas with my kids on Christmas Eve this year because that is when I had them. We had a lot of fun exchanging gifts. And just like last year, an anonymous and generous friend delivered and left a whole bunch of gifts on our doorstep. It was so enjoyable to be surprised by all the hand-picked things they gave to us. My favorite and most-used gift is my watch with the world map on it's face. On Christmas evening we celebrated the Birth of Christ by singing and sharing other talents at my parents home. Those times are always the highlight of Christmas season. I always feel warm and happy.

January 2013 - For New Year's Eve, we went to the VanHorn's home and did some celebrating. It was awesome. The kids had a blast running around and dancing with the Wii and the food was amazing (as it always is at the VanHorn's). I took the kids home early-ish and then Nathan and I didn't even make it past 10:30. I guess we're old and tired. In his defense, though, he was pretty sick with the nasty cold and fever that everyone got this year.
Later in the month I decided to quit my job at Westwood. It was a really hard decision. I had planned to finish my course and stay on for the whole school year, but staying up late and waking up early every morning to write and then working all day was really taking a toll on me. And that started taking a toll on my kids. Some behavior issues and a realization that Maelee was growing up faster than I could keep up eventually led me to put in my two week notice. It was a bittersweet day. I know it was the right decision and I've had increased joy by being able to stay home with Maelee and keep on top of running my home better. I'm grateful everyday for the writing jobs that enable me to do this.

I guess this watered-down version of the last several months is going to have to do for now. To put it in a nutshell, life has been really great and as I look back, I can see so many times that the Lord has guided my footsteps and blessed my life. I didn't earn it, but He is there anyway. And I'm so grateful.