No Fairness Guarantee

With the merging of two families that has been slowly coming along, Nathan and I have had a lot of time to think about and talk about parenting philosophies. With summer break in full swing, we've had a lot more time to have the "whole gang" all together. For the most part, all of the kids get along quite well. Occasionally we have some pestering and tattling as they jockey for attention. And on some occasions I hear this phrase, "That's not fair!" (*shudder). Oh man, does that phrase get to me or what?! Why? Because it's such a distorted view of their life! All these kids are blessed beyond measure...surrounded by people who love them, growing up with an understanding of who they are and where they came from, living in nice homes, wearing nice and clean clothes every day, going on outings and doing enriching activities, being taught by parents and others about life and work etc., eating until they are full at least three times a day...and I could go on. So yes, children...it isn't fair. There are millions of people on Earth that would do just about anything to live the life you live.

So lately I've been analyzing my parenting to determine the role I play in teaching the kids about this idea. On the one hand it seems fairly simple. Get over it! Life is not "fair" in the way that they understand it...ever. Different experiences, different choices, different associations and different interests will all work together to produce different results. Get over it. Also, if someone else gets a slightly larger piece of cake than you, get over it. YOU GOT CAKE!!! That isn't something to grump about. It's something to smile about and be glad about. 

On the other hand, it's also important for people to learn about how to advocate for themselves. The younger they learn this, the better as it translates into successful relationships of all types. Sometimes it's very important to stand up for something that you would like that you aren't getting. I mean, people can't read minds and they may not even realize that you desire something if you never mention it. And if something is being done that is seriously unjust, I want kids that will be strong and stand up for what would be right. If they someday have a roommate that keeps skipping out on rent, I want them to know how to stand up for themselves and rectify the situation. So where is the balance, then? 

I think I've settled on striving for relative fairness. If I could graph relative fairness it would look like 5 lines (1 for each child) going along. Each one would be moving slightly up and slightly down as they roll along. Sometimes maybe J's line will be on top and then sometimes E will be the privileged one etc. When you zoom in to the graph and only see one hour it might look incredibly "unfair", but as you zoom out to show a full day or even a full week it becomes apparent that the lines are all about the same. I want to teach my kids to see their many blessings and recognize and be happy for other people's blessings too. And I also want them to be just fine even if they have to deal with small injustices from time to time...because they most certainly will. Relative fairness made sense in my head to achieve that. All I really know is that in my house there really is no fairness guarantee. 

Miracles in My Life

Some people say that miracles don't happen. I'm here to say that I believe they do. There are small and large miracles all around us, happening constantly. But they are unseen unless we open our eyes and look.

I'd like to record some of the miracles that I have experienced in my recent life. I fear I've probably already forgotten most of the small and simple miracles that have lifted me in my times of need and I probably haven't noticed many of the times that my wants have been provided for without sufficient (or any) effort on my part. But I can say that I am very aware that my position in life now is a direct result of tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

I'll start about a year and a half ago at the beginning of January. There I was, recently divorced. Feeling unsure of my future, skeptical and perhaps you could say a little bitter (I think I trusted about 3 men at that time). I had agreed to go on a family hike and I was glad to be there with people who loved me, but honestly I was a little dead inside. I was grateful my kids were with me so that I would be kept busy. And that is the state I was in when I first met Nathan. So what is the miracle here? There were certainly no heavenly rays descending upon Nathan's cheek or a voice telling me to pay attention because this man was different. In fact, I was too busy wallowing in my grief to notice his presence. The miracle was this...that he saw me in the state I was in and it didn't scare him away. He saw that I needed help that he was qualified to give and he made it his goal to help me...without any thought of himself. He saw the potential in me in spite of the extinguished flame inside me. He saw it flickering under everything and worked tirelessly day after day, week after week and eventually month after month to help me uncover it and let it shine again. I had previously told people that if I was even to consider marrying again that whoever it was would have to be an incredibly patient saint. Because I knew I would put him through every test imaginable and still I would be skeptical. I knew that it would take a very special person to stay by me while I unleashed the effects of my "baggage." And only one month after being divorced, a man like that just walked into my life. Nathan has been my greatest miracle.

The second huge miracle has been the gift of being able to provide for my family. I worried so much about providing for my family with a newborn and with two school aged kids that needed a stable and present parent more than ever. Luckily with alimony, I had about 9 months where if I lived very very simply, I could take care of everything monthly without working. I knew I had limited time, but I felt like it was right to hold off on getting a job until the end of summer break. And then it was go time. What did I have by way of qualifications? Ummm...not a lot that translated well on a resume...I sewed my own curtains, did lots of crafts with my kids, bargain shopped like a boss! I knew I had skills but I am HORRIBLE at marketing myself. A terrifically awful interviewee. I applied at several gyms hoping to work in a child care place where I could take my baby with me. I remember on my way to my first (and only) interview of the job hunt saying a silent prayer that went something like this, "Heavenly Father. I don't care if I have to live tight for the rest of my life. I just need enough. Please help me" I really only needed to make $500 a month to get by. At the interview I learned that if I was hired, I would be getting about 20 hours a week at minimum wage. It was bleak, but it was just barely enough. I thanked Heavenly Father and asked him to make it work if that was his plan. Luckily it wasn't.

The moment I had committed myself to doing what it took is the moment that blessings began to rain down. I got a call that very night with an offer for a position at a high school that I had never even applied for. People knew I was looking and became the answers to my prayers. It was just the right amount of hours to be able to juggle work and home and it paid more than minimum wage. And if that wasn't enough of a miracle, I was still able to drive my kids to and from school and my mom and sister agreed to watch my little baby...for free. I will be grateful for that for as long as I live. They lived on the way to the school and the driving time was just right to get to work on time in the morning and back to the kids school on time in the afternoon. If one element had been different, my schedule would not have worked out. It was perfect. But it wasn't totally perfect. I had very little time to take care of household things and we had to run errands after school when the kids were tired. After errands and homework and things like cub scouts, I was often tired and stressed and it began to take a toll on me and on my kids. There began to be some problems for them at school and M was starting to grow up faster than I could keep up and I started feeling a lot of "Mom guilt" because I wasn't there for them like I wanted to be.

And that is when the third big miracle came. In November, an opportunity to write email series for a small business CRM company became available through a friend who I had talked to about freelance writing months before. Oh, you know...just another job offer that I hadn't applied for (because that just happens in today's economy, right?). At first I was nervous to return the sample campaign that he had sent me. But with kind promptings from Nathan and a great desire to better my situation, I went for it. And I was so blessed to be able to be a part of that work. Eventually the writing jobs became consistent enough that I had to quit at the high school to complete my responsibilities. I honestly had never even dreamed that within a year and a half of being divorced (after having been away from the "working world" for 8 years) I'd be able to work from home with my children and earn a very comfortable living with enough to tuck away every single month. It's more than I hoped for and much better than I had asked for in that little prayer I offered last August.

I don't write this very long-winded blog post to brag about where I am in life. I am just very humbled to know that God's hand is in all things. The hard times and the good times. He directs my life and I'm so very grateful for that. And I know that he is with you as well. Even when times are very hard, there are always silver linings if you just look. It would take more hours and more paper than I have to record the many daily miracles in my life.

Lalaloopsy Birthday Party

Wow, it's already been more than a month ago that my sweet sassy girl turned 7. Oh man, this girl loves her birthdays. I guess that is probably true with most little kids, but she simply thrives on all the added attention. And she definitely enjoys gifts...and delicious foods.

This year, she has become just short of obsessed with Lalaloopsy dolls. We'll probably look back on these cute yet quirky little creations later and wonder what had come over us, but for now they are THE toy for her. Needless to say, that is what she wanted the theme of her party to be. I used Pinterest to gather some inspiration for a perfect Lalaloopsy party and realized quickly that I needed to make a much larger yearly income to throw a proper Lalaloopsy party. Well, at this point I'm doing pretty well financially...can't complain, but I certainly wasn't going to spend a small fortune on a birthday party. I made the party very very simple with only a couple friends and used some of the money we saved to give her a bit extra in the form of presents (that doubled as decorations...booyah).

It turned out to be really fun. Her two best friends came and we had a little luncheon. We served peanut "button" and jelly sandwiches as the main course. J thought that up herself and it was adorable. We also had fruit and candy and such. They girls ate until they were full and then we went and made our very own Lalaloopsy doll. I printed a body of the doll for each girl and glued them to heavier paper. Then the girls went to town with buttons and ribbons and fabric and yarn and whatever else they wanted to create their unique doll. They turned out really cute but took MUCH longer than I thought. I didn't rush the girls because they were enjoying the craft. We ended up skipping the BINGO game which was just fine.

After the craft, we had cake. Originally I had collected several very complicated Lalaloopsy cake inspiration photos involving fondant and other scary confectionary inventions. However as the party neared I reminded myself that I was not a professional baker or cake decorator and that a nicely done simple cake would be far better than an embarrassingly disheveled "fancy" cake. In the end, I found some pre-made sugar rounds in various bright colors and some really cute "Happy Birthday" candles. I put them together on the cake and then situated one of J's Lalaloopsy Minis on one of the layers. It was decent and it melted my heart when J told me with bright eyes and a huge smile that it was "Perfect!" That is the great thing about her (and my other kids too)...just so much gratitude for the things that I might consider to be mediocre. J is constantly reminding me that I am amazing...even when I'm not.

After cake it was already time for parents to come back so we quickly opened the presents and handed out the Lalaloopsy puzzles and silly socks J had chosen for guest favors. All in all it was a successful and memorable Lalaloopsy birthday party.