It Is Very Hard

My goal in life right now is to become better. Due to a busy and stressful life and some rays of sunshine finally pouring through, I became lax at doing some of the little things that bring true and lasting happiness. The result has been disappointment in myself, less guidance by the Spirit, and a weakening of my inner strength. It's frustrating to be here and I can blame only myself.
Nathan and I recently decided to take a break due to some pieces of the puzzle just not fitting together. And, honestly, I've been miserable. I still hold on to the hope that we will figure out a way to make it back around. Perhaps we will and if we do I think we will appreciate it even more. Our love and concern for one another is still very strong.
One good thing about it is that I've had time to ponder and I've realized some things. Nathan pulled me out of a pretty bad depression back in January and I can never express enough gratitude for that. Throughout the time we dated he continued to pull me up over and over again. He is still a support to me, but it is not the same. And since we've been apart I feel myself slipping back into that depression mode. It's a sickening and debilitating feeling. But it has made me realize something important. As much as I hate to admit it, I never really completely took care of the depression I felt before. I just allowed my happiness to hide it for awhile. I also never fully overcame the immense fear I had of facing life "on my own". So right now I am taking time to try to nurture myself with the help of the Gospel and the mercy of Christ. I feel like I have a long way to go, but it will be worth it. I can never have a completely healthy relationship with a man when I am emotionally incapable of living without him. I guess what I mean is, my strength and happiness should come from within and not be based on someone else presence. I need to love myself but more importantly I need to love God and know that He loves me too. I can't choose to start a family with someone if I'm afraid to be alone. One or both of us will eventually question if the choice was made out of desperation. I don't know the answers to the many concerns and questions I have about my and my family's future. I continue to try to put my faith in God and my belief that He will lead me to the things that would be best. But it is very hard.

Spirit of the Olympic Games

TV is has become so unimportant to me over the last year. I used to have a few shows that I liked to watch on a regular basis, but for a long long time I had no desire for any entertainment. To be honest, it was unbearable for me to see the immoral choices and lifestyles that people chose. It was so saddening. On TV there are no real consequences. On TV there is moral relativism that in real life causes pain and suffering which is conveniently disregarded on screen. Frankly, I can't stand the lies. So, when I discovered that my new living room arrangement made TV reception almost non-existent, I was not too disappointed.
However, since the start of the 2012 London Olympics, I've been disappointed. I love The Games. And, of course, there was no way to stream it online without paying for cable, so I was missing it! Last night I decided I couldn't stand it anymore. I got on my stomach on the floor and started messing with the antenna that was purposelessly collecting dust behind my media dresser. I moved it to the left, "No Signal". I moved it right, I flipped it backward, upside down, placed the connecting cable this way and that. Nothing. Finally I decided to actually pull it out in front of the dresser. It looks so ugly. My beautiful media dresser hides all my components. My TV is mounted nicely on the wall. The only visible sign of technology is the cords that come down from the TV in a neat group. And then the antenna. It's sitting in front of the media dresser pointing out into the living room. Ugly, but all of a sudden I can get all the local channels. The kids instantly watched a show on Qubo that they like and have been missing. And I got to watch the Olympics. I got to watch Rebecca Soni break a world record in the 200-meter breaststroke. I got to watch the USA earn another gold in the woman's 4X200 relay swim. I got to see Danell Leyva kill it on the Men's Horizontal Bar and then go snuggle in his famous towel. I got to see the looks of nervousness, determination, and unyielding zeal. I got to see the triumphant smiles and hear the athletes talk about how they want to push it just a little further, a little faster next time. These men and woman amaze me. I'm so glad that I'm able to take part (at least as much as one can while sitting on a squishy couch) in the spirit of the Olympic Games.

Juggling Act

Well now, this is fun. I was laughing inside today while I was on the phone. Laughing at my situation and myself. It was better than getting frustrated. I sent out an application recently to my kids elementary school because out of all the places in the world, that is where I'd like to be spending my working days. I like the way the school is run and I like the idea of being in the same world as my kids during their school hours. I also feel like I'd do great there. The same day that I sent the application I left a voicemail for the head of HR/assistant director of the school. In the voicemail I explained my desire to work there and some of my qualifications. I blundered through the entire message until the machine finally cut me off with, "You have exceeded the maximum message length, please hang up..." Click. Sigh. I just sounded like a complete moron (and my resume boasts of my great communication skills. Bah.). Grr. Oh well, the show goes on.

This morning I decided I needed to revisit the situation and try calling her again. Once again, I was greeted with the voicemail... dun dun dun. Why do I have such issues leaving coherent messages? Why do I freeze up after hearing a recorded voice? I'm not like that when I write, talk to people in person, or talk to people over the phone. Right? Right? So what is my malfunction?!!! Moving along. I left a much shorter message just reiterating my desire to work there and a request to know if there are any positions available. While I was closing up my message, my phone started beeping with an incoming call (as if I needed a distraction). So I left my phone number and strategically tried to say the numbers around the beeps so it wouldn't be cutting out when they played it back. I decided I'd better call and ask the front desk if the HR person was even in her office this week. While I was on the phone with the lady at the front desk asking her if she knew if there are any positions and getting an understanding of the situation at the school, I started hearing this sound, "MOM!!!, I DON'T HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER!," loud and clear.  As I, quickly and in somewhat of a panic, walked into another room, hand over the phone receiver to shield the woman on the other end of the phone from hearing this totally natural but slightly embarrassing confession, I couldn't help but smile to myself a little. "MOM!!! MOM!!! MOM!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER!  OHHHH, WAH! MOMMMMMMM!" So much for being professional. So much for illustrating why I'd be a good candidate working to help the children at the school. So much for me remembering to ask for more information. Ha ha. The good news is, I got the bean some toilet paper. Now, if I could just figuring out this juggling act.

(picture stolen from internet land, specifically from http://www.clarkkentslunchbox.com/. Sorry, dad blogger. It was a good picture.)

Bottle Up Her Littleness for Later

Maelee is growing up so fast this summer! I think that she is learning from her big brother and sister. She has been "talking" like crazy although there are not a lot of clear vocabulary words at this point besides "mama". She mostly uses tones and body language to communicate. She'll often call for her siblings when they are not around, but it's inconsistent and I don't think she has chosen a specific sound for their names. Her favorite word right now is, "uh ooooh". We all love it because she holds out the "oh" and makes her lips into a tight, tiny little circle. It's quite adorable. Perhaps I will try to get a picture of it one of these times. She loves this word so dearly that she will often manufacture a suitable situation to use it in. For example, mealtime is the perfect opportunity. She will hold her food over the side of her high-chair and say "uh ooooh" as she releases it to the floor. Then she will strain her neck to see the food lying successfully on the floor. Next she will point to the food and say, "uh ooooh" once again to reiterate her "accidental" mess. She does this with her pacifier (which I know I need to get rid of soon... the thought is painful), her bottle, her toys, her blankets... anything she can grab eventually ends up getting thrown on the floor. She also uses this fun word when she sees something on the floor that she feels is out of place. Sometimes it will be something very tiny and we have to strain to see what she is talking about. It's fun to see her discover and hear her vocalize the concept of cause and effect.

Maelee is definitely not a baby anymore. She always wants to be with the big kids doing whatever they're doing. It can be frustrating for her because many of their activities are not toddler friendly and her mean mom prevents her from participating. One thing she is getting pretty good at is walking. She has been my latest walker. Braden started walking at 9 months, and Jade shortly before she turned 1. Maelee has determination very similar to how Braden was as a baby, but she is much more cautious and doesn't dive into new things if they are perceived as potentially harmful. Thus it took her awhile to try those first independent steps. But she thrives on the positive attention she gets when she successfully walks from the couch to the chair etc. It's awesome to see her pleased expression and her excitement at her success.

(playing in the splash pad at the Sheraton in Scottsdale)

Maelee is very happy as long as she is able to be doing. She is a little busy thing and prefers not to be sitting still. She really responds to music and likes to dance by standing up and bending her knees to the rhythm. She'll also shake her head around like a rock star. She likes to sing too. Ever since she had her first exposure to karaoke during a vacation to Sedona, she loves using the pretend microphone to sing. She likes playing the piano and keyboard and the xylophone at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Most of the time she enjoys swimming unless she is tired or it's too cold. She likes to kick her legs in the water.

One of my favorite things that Maelee is discovering is affection. She has started giving hugs to her family and to stuffed animals. She'll also "kiss" us sometimes. It's really more like an open-mouth sharing of saliva on her part, but it's backed by her love and is therefore priceless. I love it when she is playing and I'm sitting on the couch and she comes over and lays her head on my leg. She is becoming more of a snuggler and it's delightful. But I have to soak it up in small doses, because before I know it she is on to the next activity. She is definitely a mover. I seriously can't believe how fast this first year with her has gone. It is so thrilling to me to watch her grow and learn. But there are also times when I'd love to grab on to these moments and somehow bottle up her littleness for later.

What I Need to Do

Life is certainly a proving ground.  All the new things I'm facing these days are very challenging. Sometimes I have a lot of hope and excitement for my future and then other times I just see more trials and feel very tired. And really, I'm probably right. And truly, it's probably going to be good for me. What would this life be without trials? What would happen to me? I'll tell you. I'd turn into lazy Jell-o wiggling around and looking pretty but not ever gaining any substance or real use. That isn't what I want even though it would be nice to not have to be tackling something frustrating all the time.
Right now I'm struggling with beginning to work for money. I know I've had a whole year to think about this and prepare, but I've felt over and over again that I MUST use that year to spend the precious time with  Maelee at home and to help transition my older children into their new "normal".  Well, Maelee needs me even more now as she is growing and exploring and the kids "normal" is changing again but time is up. I have to move forward. I'm still nervous as can be. Am I going to be able to hack it as a working single mom? It bothers me that it seems so daunting. I am aware that PLENTY of people have this challenge and dive right in and are successful to the degree that they need to be. But at the end of the day I don't want to do it. I don't want to leave my home and children even for a few hours a day. So building my resume and getting fingerprint certified and CPR certified and contacting likely employers and sending out applications is daunting. Because the desire is just not there. I guess it doesn't really matter what I want to do. In the end I know what I need to do.

Together.

... So with friendship in mind we continued to talk and text and message. Inside I imagined that he would slowly stop caring and that he would disappear. In my experience it would only be natural since our relationship wasn't going to progress into anything more. It made me really sad to think about. I didn't want him to disappear. I wanted to hear from him every day. These thoughts and feelings made me start thinking again (I know, I need to stop that). Why did I care so much? I felt pretty unsettled for awhile. And he never disappeared.
One day in April I saw the kids off to go with their dad. The emotions of the divorce hit me all over again like a freight train. But it was different. I no longer missed their dad being in my life I ached for my kids as I thought about their pain. I also hurt for me because I had to watch them leave every other weekend when all I'd ever wanted was full-time family life. It hit me hard. I couldn't stand and for about 45 minutes I sobbed on the floor, my legs curled up. And through my sobbings one thought kept coming back, "I wish Nathan were here." I knew that he cared without any obligation and that he also understood this kind of pain. After tear-soaked prayers of comfort I was able to compose myself. I sent a short text telling him that if he wasn't too busy I could really use a friend to talk to. Without giving him any details he knew I needed more than a phone conversation. He replied saying, "It's been awhile since we've had a face-to-face. Can I come over?" I told him he could after my children were asleep (trying to maintain stability in their life). I was so eager to see him. He showed up with one of his favorite "guilty pleasure" movies  (Mama Mia) and some cinnamon roll cookies. He figured a cheesy musical and some sweets could cheer me up. He let me talk. He reminded me that it's OK to feel and it probably wouldn't be the last time I'd break. When I had talked it out and was feeling much better we watched the movie. I snuggled in and he held onto me and I felt at home. I felt so protected and so comfortable and so warm. We shared a sweet first kiss and I realized we weren't very good at being "just friends" and that I didn't know why I was fighting being committed and more open to each other. We talked about it and once again he told me that while he would really like to date me, it really wasn't about him. He wanted for me to get better and whatever his role could be in that, he wanted it. I told him that I wanted to date him and to have that openness and affections (verbal, emotional, physical). He reacted like he was the luckiest man on the Earth. It made me wonder what the heck he saw in me.
Since dating him, I have felt myself becoming stronger and more confident. I am still emotionally "messy" sometimes.  He is extremely patient. To him I am worth the wait. He treats me with so much care and concern.  I'm finally seeing that we have both healed a lot from being able to talk to each other. It took me awhile to believe that I was doing anything to help him. I always felt like it was so one-sided. But as he has opened up more I see that he needs me as much as I need him. It's really great to be loved by someone but I am also glad that I can love him and that it is appreciated.
So that is the story about how Nathan came to be a big part of my life. I'm glad that I've taken the time to write it. He has made such a positive impact in my life. As dating goes, time will tell just how long we'll be able to support one another. I hope it will be for a long long time. Either way I'm so grateful for him and the chance we have to share this part of our lives together.

Friends...

... So with Facebook as our link, we began to be acquainted. He posted a picture of his sons one time that was adorable and I had to comment on it. While I was on his page, I saw that he had "liked" Crossfit (an exercise program). One way that I coped with my depressive state was to run. I knew that if I kept running without doing strength training it wouldn't be that good for me and so I had been keeping my eye out for something. I decided to message Nathan and pick his brain about the program. To my surprise he asked if I'd like to go with him to the gym and try it for myself. Honestly it sounded fun and frightening at the same time. Eventually I decided to take him up on the offer. He picked me up and we drove across town to the gym at his work. It gave us a lot of time to talk. I felt myself opening up to him in a very inexplicable way. I know now it was because he is genuinely caring... without a thought of "what's in it for me". I shared the basics of my "story" and he shared his. But he asked me questions. He really wanted to know how I was doing... for real. At the end of our outing, he told me if I ever needed to talk to call him and we'd go get junk food and talk. Well, we didn't go out for junk food, but did we ever talk! We used way too many minutes and his phone dying is often what ended our conversations. And I noticed that I was happy. Like smiling-because-I-couldn't-avoid-it-happy. I started singing in the car again and dancing around my house. I started being silly with my sister again. Nathan and I talked about everything: single-parenthood, music, travel wishes, our childhoods, high school band experiences, our days, our conversions to the Gospel, our pains, our joys, running, and whatever was on our minds. He always took time to ask me specific questions about things and really understand me and who I am. He remembered important things and would check in about them. In March I was having a hard time with something or another. He let me talk it out, offered his concern and what advice he could give and told me we needed to go do something fun together. So the next chance we got we went and did something fun. He took me to the Arizona Science Center and I totally geeked out. We had so much fun together. I didn't even mind being a dork (which is great since I've never figured out how to avoid that one). And we kept talking. The next time we went out we miniature golfed and then had ice-cream and went to a park to walk and talk. He showed me pictures on his phone and they were basically all of his kids. I really admired how much he revolved his life around them and how much he ached to be with them more. It is how a dad should be. At the park, I was chilly. He put his over shirt around me and I noticed that he wasn't trying to make "a move" or anything, he just wanted me to be comfortable. It felt really good to be cared for. But, of course, I only wanted him to be a good friend. Becoming attached was out of the question. And that brings us to April. April was the beginning of the cycles of me freaking out and him being patient and constant. As our long conversations and texts throughout the day became more normal he began offering to do things for me. Once my amazing dad took my car to do it's oil and maintenance check (thanks for keeping me up on that). He came home and showed me that I needed 4 new tires... and soon. It wasn't the best news, but I was OK. I mentioned it to Nathan that evening on the phone. The next day I got a call (or text?) from him. He had called around and had found the best deal and then called Discount to confirm that they'd match it. It was all set up and I just had to take it in. It was so nice. I started wondering why he was doing these things for me. I emailed and talked to a couple friends and they all said the same thing, "he wants a relationship". And I started freaking out. All at once I started feeling walls hurriedly being built. I wondered if I had been leading him on... I didn't want to be. He had become one of my best friends and I cared a great deal about him. So I started shutting down. He felt it and finally he got it out of me. I confronted his motives and told him that I wanted to stay friends... just friends. He was very straight forward. He said he'd been helping me because from the time he had met me on that hike he knew he wanted to help me. He had seen through the half-smiles into where I really was and had decided if there was anything he could do to help he would. Because he had been in a similar place, he knew how much it could hurt. He told me that he wanted to be what I needed. And I knew he was telling the truth. It mattered less to him if we had a relationship that progressed into attachment than it mattered to him that I healed. I was instantly calm and so very grateful. I believed that for a long long time he and I would remain best friends...

Where It Started...

I'm very disappointed in myself for letting this blog play second fiddle to the many other things happening in my life. I've loved keeping this record for the last several years and I need to do it especially now as I'm navigating unexpected and new waters. One thing about journaling in any of it's forms is that it becomes a treasure later. I love looking back and seeing the hand of the Lord in my life. I have failed in many ways in preserving these memories.
One thing I don't want to lose is the record of how an important man named Nathan came to be part of my life. I think back and it's almost surreal actually (sometimes my entire life is surreal). I don't mean to re-hash the obvious, but timing is somewhat important in the story of Nathan and I. June is when I separated from the person I thought had loved me the best. I was very very depressed and used a lot of energy each day just in living. Bathing, clothing and feeding myself and my kids, celebrating holidays, having a new baby... they were all done with a certain amount of pain in the background and then later everything just started to be numb. By the time the divorce was finalized in December I had become very emotionally numb which helped a little with the pain but also took a lot of joy away. I had essentially resigned myself to the rest of my life being "OK". Everyone told me how well I was handling everything and I had no idea how they could say that. I felt like a walking dead person. I wanted to die except I couldn't die because my children were relying on me. I never considered taking my life, but in my lowest moments, I prayed that we could all die together (wow, this is getting really heavy... sorry?).
A month went by and people kept reaching out to get me to do social things (thank you so much!). I decided last minute to go to my friends New Year's Eve party. I brought my kids along and it was actually really cool to be with them to welcome the New Year. It really felt like we were starting over. As fun as the party was, it was enlightening to me that I did NOT want to be in the "dating" world again. There were some single men there and I just felt so disconnected from them. I even found their friendly banter annoying (sorry... I was grumpy?). I decided that I probably wasn't ready.
The Monday following, people with jobs had the day off of work for the New Year. As tradition holds, my family participated in a hike. Darin (my bro-in-law) was the brains behind the hike and invited a couple people to join us. One of those people was his good friend, Nathan. I remember very little about him from that day except that my mom had casually told me that he was a single dad, that we had talked a tiny bit about how I had graduated with his older brother, and that he had helped Jadelynn off a rock once. Toward the end of the hike I frustratingly responded to a conversation with my mother with, "Being divorced stinks." To which I heard Nathan behind me say, "Yeah it does." It made me curious. I became Facebook friends with him sometime after so that I could tag him in the pictures of the hike. And that is the tiny fragment from where it started...

Happy 1 Year, Little One

1 year and two weeks ago my world came crashing down. And with it many of my hopes and dreams shattered into nothing but debris to cut myself on when I’d think about them. And oh... did I think of them! And in the midst of it I was 13 days away from giving birth to my baby girl. A girl that had been pondered, prayed, and wondered over for almost 2 years. And while that dream hadn’t shattered, it had certainly been wounded. Why was she coming to a now broken family? Why now when I felt nearly incapable of doing basic things such as eating and sleeping? How was I going to provide for my family with a baby? I had two weeks to prepare. To absorb the shock. To release myself from the inevitable numbness that had set in. To become excited again for the birth of my child. To work through some of the fear. To grasp onto my other children as if by letting them go I would lose them too. That they might fall off the precarious emotional cliffs that loomed all around us. To try to be alive.

And they were a long two weeks. But also too short before I could prolong it no more and a low pressure system put my body into the process that would soon result in the welcome of my precious girl. Labor was hard. And I was so weak. Not in body. I was so afraid. But I went through it with the help of those closest to me. After all, what else could I do? After a short while she was born. Without much struggle she was here. And my fears began to dissipate.

The nurses handled her, scrubbed her, put stuff in her eyes, cleaned up the massive amounts of poop she was already producing. And she cried. Not a sweet cry. A strong cry. A cry of confusion but of determination. Looking back, it echos as if it was a cry of thriving against the odds. At last she was placed in my arms. She knew me and I her.  And the crying just stopped. She looked into my face but she couldn’t see me... not with that stuff in her newborn eyes. I hadn’t spoken. Scent? Every smell was new to her in this moment. And it  was the first time we’d touched. I can only describe it as a recognition of our spirits. We knew each other and loved each other in a way beyond our senses. We’d known each other before. And now, reunited, she was here in this tiny body in my arms. It was as if she was a dear old friend sent to me when I needed her the most. But also completely relying on me to be strong and to care for myself so that I could care for her. She was my Maelee and I no longer felt any doubts about why she was here. I knew we would be alright and I also knew that she belonged here. In many ways Maelee saved my life. I love her and am so grateful that I have the privilege of helping to guide her through this life. I’m so grateful she was born into our family at the time that she was to share her wonderfully happy and warm soul with us. Happy 1 year, little one.

Quick Catch Up Through March

I've been a lame blogger. And it's a shame, because my life started improving a lot since the beginning of the new year. Time, people, and doing has helped me feel stronger and happier. I feel grateful every single day that healing happens and happiness is not squelched through the circumstances of life. Quick catch up through March (I'll do the rest in another post):
January -
COLOR RUN!!! Nikki signed me up and we ran it together. Best time I've ever had with tons of powdered chalk. Funnest 5K of my life.

LAME PIGEON :( We found it in the backyard unable to fly. We kept it as a pet until it started slowly dying of starvation (and probably internal bleeding or something). I ended up killing it with a shovel. Worst task of my life.

February-
FHE with friends and family, Crafting with Nikki, Valentines Day, Lots of photo jobs
GRANDMA PRIEST VISITS  She's from UT and we hardly ever get to see her. It was nice to have FHE together and enjoy each others company. I love my Grandma.

COUSIN TIME  It's always a party with Shea!

March -

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST :) Chelsea treated us to a high school play. It was really well done. The sets and costumes were amazing!

FIRST 10K I ran it. That is the good news. Next time I'd like to get under an hour. It's going to be hard to shave 8 minutes though :/

THE MOST KILLER SPRING BREAK. This included visiting the farm, going camping with our friends the Long's, checking out the Art Festival in downtown Mesa, and going to the park with friends. We had a BUNCH of fun. 

SNOW ON THE SUPERSTITION MOUNTAINS Simply beautiful.

 BOOKS FOR A BETTER WORLD PACKING PARTY It was cool to be a part of it this year even though I only stayed for a couple hours. The books get sent all over Central America. Check out the website.

EASTER EGG DYEING AT OSBORN'S. I always like to get creative even though Easter has nothing to do with eggs.