What I Need to Do

Life is certainly a proving ground.  All the new things I'm facing these days are very challenging. Sometimes I have a lot of hope and excitement for my future and then other times I just see more trials and feel very tired. And really, I'm probably right. And truly, it's probably going to be good for me. What would this life be without trials? What would happen to me? I'll tell you. I'd turn into lazy Jell-o wiggling around and looking pretty but not ever gaining any substance or real use. That isn't what I want even though it would be nice to not have to be tackling something frustrating all the time.
Right now I'm struggling with beginning to work for money. I know I've had a whole year to think about this and prepare, but I've felt over and over again that I MUST use that year to spend the precious time with  Maelee at home and to help transition my older children into their new "normal".  Well, Maelee needs me even more now as she is growing and exploring and the kids "normal" is changing again but time is up. I have to move forward. I'm still nervous as can be. Am I going to be able to hack it as a working single mom? It bothers me that it seems so daunting. I am aware that PLENTY of people have this challenge and dive right in and are successful to the degree that they need to be. But at the end of the day I don't want to do it. I don't want to leave my home and children even for a few hours a day. So building my resume and getting fingerprint certified and CPR certified and contacting likely employers and sending out applications is daunting. Because the desire is just not there. I guess it doesn't really matter what I want to do. In the end I know what I need to do.