Together.

... So with friendship in mind we continued to talk and text and message. Inside I imagined that he would slowly stop caring and that he would disappear. In my experience it would only be natural since our relationship wasn't going to progress into anything more. It made me really sad to think about. I didn't want him to disappear. I wanted to hear from him every day. These thoughts and feelings made me start thinking again (I know, I need to stop that). Why did I care so much? I felt pretty unsettled for awhile. And he never disappeared.
One day in April I saw the kids off to go with their dad. The emotions of the divorce hit me all over again like a freight train. But it was different. I no longer missed their dad being in my life I ached for my kids as I thought about their pain. I also hurt for me because I had to watch them leave every other weekend when all I'd ever wanted was full-time family life. It hit me hard. I couldn't stand and for about 45 minutes I sobbed on the floor, my legs curled up. And through my sobbings one thought kept coming back, "I wish Nathan were here." I knew that he cared without any obligation and that he also understood this kind of pain. After tear-soaked prayers of comfort I was able to compose myself. I sent a short text telling him that if he wasn't too busy I could really use a friend to talk to. Without giving him any details he knew I needed more than a phone conversation. He replied saying, "It's been awhile since we've had a face-to-face. Can I come over?" I told him he could after my children were asleep (trying to maintain stability in their life). I was so eager to see him. He showed up with one of his favorite "guilty pleasure" movies  (Mama Mia) and some cinnamon roll cookies. He figured a cheesy musical and some sweets could cheer me up. He let me talk. He reminded me that it's OK to feel and it probably wouldn't be the last time I'd break. When I had talked it out and was feeling much better we watched the movie. I snuggled in and he held onto me and I felt at home. I felt so protected and so comfortable and so warm. We shared a sweet first kiss and I realized we weren't very good at being "just friends" and that I didn't know why I was fighting being committed and more open to each other. We talked about it and once again he told me that while he would really like to date me, it really wasn't about him. He wanted for me to get better and whatever his role could be in that, he wanted it. I told him that I wanted to date him and to have that openness and affections (verbal, emotional, physical). He reacted like he was the luckiest man on the Earth. It made me wonder what the heck he saw in me.
Since dating him, I have felt myself becoming stronger and more confident. I am still emotionally "messy" sometimes.  He is extremely patient. To him I am worth the wait. He treats me with so much care and concern.  I'm finally seeing that we have both healed a lot from being able to talk to each other. It took me awhile to believe that I was doing anything to help him. I always felt like it was so one-sided. But as he has opened up more I see that he needs me as much as I need him. It's really great to be loved by someone but I am also glad that I can love him and that it is appreciated.
So that is the story about how Nathan came to be a big part of my life. I'm glad that I've taken the time to write it. He has made such a positive impact in my life. As dating goes, time will tell just how long we'll be able to support one another. I hope it will be for a long long time. Either way I'm so grateful for him and the chance we have to share this part of our lives together.