OK No Matter What Happens

It's been a long time and a lot has happened that hasn't been written about on here. Some is bad and some is so good. I realized that it is much easier for me to write about the good things and the fun things that happen in my life. Perhaps this is why this blog is simply "impressions" of my life and not "my life". However, some things are so life changing that they really need to be included whether they are pleasant or not (if I want any sort of honest documentation, which I do). And I feel like before I can move on and start writing about my life in the here and now, I've got to document the change we are now dealing with. I'll get this very sad post out of the way and then I can begin posting the happy again.
The evening of the day that we went to Montezuma's Castle was a horrible evening. It had the potential to be great... kids went to Grandma and Grandpas, dinner with an uncle (with no kids), opportunity to watch Spencer play basketball, then I imagined maybe a movie and a good snuggle on the couch. But at the basketball game while playing with Spencer's phone, I discovered the clues that led me to confront him. This confrontation revealed a secret life that he had been living. A life that abolished the trust, confidence, and love I had always felt from him. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't sleep... I couldn't. I sobbed and sobbed. I reached out to two trusted people by phone and then I went into a numb shock. I cleared my mind and wrote a paper for Spencer. I told him he had to move out and be gone before the kids returned. I also gave him some other boundaries to be able to deal with life being married to a familiar stranger. A person who is the same in all ways except the ways that are most important to me. A person I could no longer trust. A person I am still bound to. I pleaded with him to make the change necessary and return to us.
The weeks since then have been a roller coaster. I've had worries I had never dreamed of needing to worry about. I have felt the most excruciating pain that comes with betrayal, abandonment, and rejection from the one person whose opinion matters most. I have experienced the fear of bringing a child into the world without the loving support and help of my husband. I have felt disgust and even occasional anger for a situation that is so unjust. I have felt foolish in the love I gave to my husband now knowing it had little value to him. I have had to face intense loneliness and feeling ridiculous for missing him so much.
On the other hand, I have questioned my testimony and felt a reassurance that I know it's true and cannot deny it's place in my life. I have felt strength from unseen sources and support from everyone around me. I have felt the embrace of the Lord slowly taking the place of Spencer's embrace. I have felt physical strength being granted to me. I have felt a blessing of a forgiving heart that I cannot attribute to myself. It has allowed me to think clearly without the cloud of anger and hate. I have felt the desire to do my best to love and care for my kids regardless of our situation. For the most part I have felt a happiness that I can't explain. And as much as I wish I could rewind and fix the situation, I know that I cannot control another persons choices. And I also know that I and the kids will be OK no matter what happens.