Addictions

I've never been tempted by drugs or alcohol or tobacco or coffee, or even caffeinated sodas. I was taught as a child that these substances had the potential power to own me. I learned that they could easily become addictions. As an adult I'm starting to realize that addictions come in so many other forms as well.

This world is full of advancements and inventions to keep us connected and in the loop. I was a big fan of Facebook because it was really the only way that I could be connected with friends long lost. My childhood friend from St. George UT, for instance: I found that if we lived close we'd probably still be really good friends, and friends like that don't come very often. So, Facebook was a wonderful tool to stay connected with people like her. On the other hand, Facebook was also a massive distraction. Eventually I accumulated a whole load of friends that I didn't really need (if that makes sense)... people I had known in the past, but never really had a strong connection with. I would log on every day. I'd get sucked in every time a friend would post pictures. I love looking at pictures and I'd look at all of them even if only a few were relevant. I would come up with clever "status" updates. I thrived on comments and would check and see if anyone had come up with a witty reply. It started to become an indulgence to my vanity and when I found that I was spending at least an hour a day on Facebook, I had the desire to get back to how it had started... as a means to be connected with the people I cared about. So I decided to only log on once per week to catch up with good friends. But at this point it had become a habit in my daily routine like a coffee in the morning is to some. Facebook was ingrained into my top sites and anytime I used the computer, I saw it waiting for me... with notifications. So I'd log on just to check those notifications, but I'd always find some other interesting thing. I actually started getting worried that perhaps I was actually and truly addicted (and I hate being tied to any outside stimulus that controls me). So I told myself to go a whole day without logging on and guess what? I couldn't do it! After I had logged on that day, I felt so disappointed in myself. I saw that what had started out good had become something I no longer wanted in my life. So right then and there I deactivated my account. It was a step forward. I still had to see it in my top sites on Safari for about 2 months before it finally disappeared. For the most part, I'm happy to be rid of it. There is only an occasion here and there where I feel like I miss out on events that I'd like to be a part of. I have a lot more time during the day and I'm glad that I'm without.

After being completely done with Facebook and feeling like I no longer missed it, I began to notice another problem. SUGAR! I don't know why, but my body needs fuel every 3 hours to feel right. If it's been longer, my reasoning isn't as good, I'm weak and shaky, and become pretty irritable too. Also if I haven't eaten something in awhile I start to crave sugar. I don't remember having this problem until after certain events in my life and I had long ago determined that my very strong cravings for sugar where sparked by certain emotions: stress, disappointment and loneliness. Add to that the desire to have sweets in social settings because that is how our society works. And then add to that my hormonal cravings of sugar during certain times of the month. I pretty much craved sugar strongly at least twice a day... usually more. I don't have a problem with buying sweets, but when a strong craving would hit, I would find some way to get my "fix" as it were. Spencer often brings home goodies. And if not, it meant raiding my baking supplies. Shameful, I know. If a treat was offered at a gathering I would always have it. Like the Facebook, thing, I couldn't go a day without it. Unlike the Facebook thing, I couldn't just deactivate something and have it disappear. And unfortunately, I really couldn't rely on anybody else to help me.  I tried to cut back, but when I eat something sweet, instead of it satisfying me, I only want more. It's a vicious cycle. So I decided that if I wanted to beat this, I needed to say no to ALL sugary snacks, desserts, and treats. I told myself I'd do it for one month and see how it went. I did pretty well. I accidentally ate a tootsie roll at church and I think I had some cotton candy toward the end of my month, but other than that, I resisted. I expected my cravings for sugar to go away pretty quickly, but this is what happened: my basic cravings for sugar when I was hungry lessened, however, my emotional cravings for sugar never went away. So, for instance, when Spencer was at school until 10PM and the kids were sleeping and I had only the laundry for company for 3 hours, I really really really wanted to go scoop some ice-cream and have a bowl. Since the cravings never went away, I simply had to not do it. It was hard. I made sure to have a lot of fruits and vegetables on hand to use as substitute snacks. That helped. The next thing I noticed is that I had a lot more energy by the afternoon. I didn't get stuck in the cycle of a sugar peak and then a crash over and over all day. I also found that I did not get as stressed about little things. I was less moody and as a result kinder and more reasonable with my family. I liked not being controlled by a substance. So when my month was over, I enjoyed some treats (it was Braden's birthday and Spencer made an amazing cake). And then I thought to myself, "I want to get back off sugar again. I liked that feeling." But ironically, it's been much harder this time. I keep slipping. Maybe it's the Halloween candy that is already sitting around on the counter, perhaps it's because I'm under more stress than last month. I'm not sure, but it has been a battle! I'm still trying. I eventually want to get to the point where sugar does not control me. I want to be able to enjoy a treat at a party and then not need any more. Hopefully I can do that. I know that a habit that has lasted for at least 6 years will be hard to break. Maybe it will not be possible at all. Who knows, but if I have to just stay away from sweets forever, it will be worth it to be above it's influence. 

Some of you may read this post and think, "This is lame. These things shouldn't be that big of a deal." I believe you are right. They really shouldn't, but for some reason they are for me. I think that all of us has some habit in our life that controls us in some way... for worse. I hope we can continue to take a look at our lives and decide to face, head on, each of our own individual addictions.