6.30.2009
My Mind
I don't really know what to blog about, but I feel the need to do it anyway in order to sort out some of my thoughts. Do you ever go through periods of time when you just feel blah? I've been feeling blah on and off for a couple of months now. The worst part is that I have no idea why! I should be happy. My life is great. But for some reason, I'm malcontent and I just don't feel like myself. This isn't to say that I never feel enjoyment, it's just that my thoughts seem to lean toward things I wish were different in my life, the lives of my friends and family, and the world. I'm sure it's my fault. I just need to snap out of it and be happy for all the blessings I am given. There are so many of them! One of the areas I have been struggling with is feeling my own worth. I look at all these amazing women around me that do home-based businesses or are super creative and crafty and are constantly making things to bless their families, or they are super moms and get their kids involved in classes and help them to develop in those ways, or who get out there and exercise and take care of themselves. I often wonder "What's wrong with me?" These women are in the same situation as I am and yet they seem to achieve so much more! If they can do it, I can do it, right? I know it's wrong to compare, but I'd really like to change myself and be more productive in doing the things that I dream to do. The other area that I've been blah about is just a general boredom. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty to do! It just gets boring to always be doing dishes, vacuuming, laundry, floors, bathrooms, cleaning up poop off Jades panties, and picking up after people. I don't do all these things alone, of course, but I am responsible for the majority of it. And it's NEVER done! By the time I'm done with one thing, the other things look awful again. Part of me feels like I would be much happier if I were a career woman... being appreciated, needed and doing something I'm good at, but I remember how wonderful it was to have a mother who was home for me, and it's the best gift I could possibly give to my children. So, basically, it's like I'm not super happy and consciously I know I should be. In my mind I know that I am in a situation that many people only dream about, but for some reason I'm not fulfilled. If you are reading this still, I apologize for such a downer blog and ask you not to worry. I'm sure if I work harder things will right themselves. In the meantime, it's nice to be able to just share these thoughts so they aren't sitting around taking up space in my mind.
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9 comments:
I consider YOU one of those really creative moms! And I've definitely felt exactly this same way before about myself compared to others (maybe more often than not). It is so tempting to want to get a job and do something I think is "more meaningful," (it would help keep me sane a little, I rationalize) but there is NO other place you should be than taking on the humbling tasks of cleaning up after little ones over and over again, and giving them the unconditional love they need when they are young to be successful and happy as adults. You are willing to do something so important, yet so "blah," as you say. You'll probably never win any awards, achieve any great success by the worlds standard, or even get much thanks, but you still do it anyway! That's what I call AMAZING.
Crystal, you are one of those moms that I look at and say, "I wish I could be more like her!" You always have cute projects that your kids do, you decorate your home, you post interesting and deep blog entries, and you go on trips n stuff too! :) I feel this way sometimes too, don't let it getcha down. It gets tedious but soon it will all be over and you'll be saying, "I wish my kids were small again." At least that's what I tell myself.
I think you are an amazing mother! Me and Jacob always use you as a role model for how we raise our kids. My other sister in law Cam went through the same think you are feeling now. So her way to make that feeling go away is to help at the school her kids go to and teach a creative class there.
But if you ever need a day to yourself then call me and I will watch the kiddos!
Love you!
Enjoy in the Journey Now! I have to tell myself that when the day to day chores seem never-ending! You are a great mom Crystal! I feel the same way sometimes but then I wouldn't want anyone else doing my job. So I figure I better try harder to enjoy it.
Crystal, i understand how you're feeling. i thing every women went through the same. You;re a great example of a great mom. I always tell Kevin how i'd love to be as good as a mom as you are! & oh! how creative you are compatared to me. see comparing again...oops. We love you tons. & i wonna share with you something special i read yesterday.
You might ask yourself this question: “Is my own net faith positive or negative?” If your faith exceeds your doubt and disbelief, the answer is likely positive. If you allow doubt and disbelief to control you, the answer might be negative.
We do have a choice. We get what we focus on consistently. Because there is an opposition in all things, there are forces that erode our faith. Some are the result of Satan’s direct influence. But for others, we have no one but ourselves to blame. These stem from personal tendencies, attitudes, and habits we can learn to change. I will refer to these influences as the “Six Destructive Ds.” As I do, consider their influence on you or your children.
First is doubt. Doubt is not a principle of the gospel. It does not come from the Light of Christ or the influence of the Holy Ghost. Doubt is a negative emotion related to fear. It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God.
Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit (see Preach My Gospel [2004], 10). Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith.
Discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. Discouragement and distraction are two of Satan’s most effective tools, but they are also bad habits.
Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence.
If not reversed, this path ultimately leads to disobedience, which undermines the very basis of faith. So often the result is disbelief, the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe.
The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling.
These Six Destructive Ds—doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief—all erode and destroy our faith. We can choose to avoid and overcome them.
Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33).
Okay Natasha's comment is AWESOME thankyou so much!
Crystal Do I need to repeat how awesome we all know you are? I have been feeling the same way as of late just generally depressed for no real good reason (okay I am 8 months pregnant) But not wanting to do my responsibilites, and kind of empty. I feel like the answer is #1 conciously choosing positive thinking ALL day long. this means for me remaking this choice every time I catch myself slipping and trying to throw in a few different activities. Public pool is a great way to go. the chandler pools are way neat. check out the chandler mesquite aquatic center. and #2 make sure I am not neglecting my personal prayers. Praying for the things I feel most blessed for and the streangth and energy to be the best mom to my kids and wife to my hubby.
Hopefully we'll both be out of our "slump" soon. Socialization with adults is also always very helpful to me.
Okay Crystal, I know that I may have a slightly different perspective on life than you, but I would still like to leave my own input. I really love and respect you as a mother, photographer, and friend. I also think that it can be a mistake to think that doing other things besides parenting is wrong. You are a mother, first and formost, and it is the MOST important job of your life. It should be. But even though we can easily see the downfall of a "workaholic" in American society, mothers often fail to see they they too can be come overly obsessed with their jobs as mothers. You are a human being, not just a woman, wife, and mother. No person is one dimentional, and if you put all of your sense of self into one aspect of your life, you will set yourself up for failure/disappointment. You will not feel fullfilled. You also want to set a good example as a sucessful human being for your children, to show them how to be happy, well adjusted adults, not just a set identity of what society expects of you. This means you must give yourself permission to be more than just a mother. However this translates for you, you should not fear or hate the idea of doing something else as well. Your kids will be okay if you are not with them every second of every day. I'm not saying you have to get a job or have a career to be happy, but I don't think it is the worst thing in the world either. This could be something as simple as volunteering somewhere, like another person suggested. Or you could get a part time job. I can tell you from personal experience that my job does provide me with things that staying at home can't. It gives me a sense of importance and self sufficiency that I need in my life. It makes be feel like I am contributing to society and to my marriage, not only by producing well adjusted children, but also directly, by my actions and skills. I also get to socialize with a diverse group of adults in a professional setting. This is very handy when you spend a lot of time with small children as an antidote for insanity. There are trade offs. I do sometimes worry about things like "what if my son loves my husband more than me?" (obviously selfish and not important to his well being). I also have the luxury of working only 3 days a week, which means that I still spend the majority of my time with my family. I really respect the decision of women to stay at home all the time. But I don't think that you have to be there all the time to raise children successfully. Even if it is only one or two days a week, doing something else that develops you is good for the soul I think. Anyway, you are a great person and I'm glad to know you. And we all feel down sometimes.
I'm in such agreement with all of these comments that I feel to just add my support. As understandable as it is for even the best to get down at times, it's still ironic to hear you talking about getting down comparing yourself to others, when you're definitely in one of the top places in all of our lists of most dangerous people to compare yourself to. Along the lines of Celestia's comment, I was also reminded of a recent eye-opener I had while reading a Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people. He talks about introspecting to find and identify what your absolute core values are. The things that you'd think of if you could in the future attend your own funeral. It's not a matter of saying if they're "correct" or "righteous," because these values are what really defines to you what is correct. If your life isn't centered on these values, and instead you allow society's values or others expectations of what you "should do" or even just allow one legitimately important part of your life (spouse, family, church, self, possessions, etc.)to take a central, dominating position of your life, it undermines your emotional foundation and saps the other areas of your life. The more your life is centered on your true values and principles the better the sense of your internal measuring stick of success, and the freer you are to be influenced by comparing yourself to others.
So I'm a little behind on my blog reading, and I'm glad you're already feeling better. You sure got lots of great comments and advice. My 2 cents will just be to recommend a book: "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's a great pick-me-up and will make you feel so good about all the work you do in your own home. You can get it at the library. And I agree that you are an awesome person and a super mom and I look up to you.
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